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Mothers-in-Law and Daughters-in-Law: Rules of the Game
Can you all just get along? Actually, you can. Here are 12 ways to make it happen.
by Barbara Graham
Barbara Graham, a Grandparents.com columnist, is the editor of the anthology, Eye of My Heart: 27 Writers Reveal the Hidden Pleasures and Perils of Being a Grandmother (Harper, 2009), which tells "the whole crazy, complicated truth about being a grandmother in today's world."
Since the publication of Eye of My Heart, I've been running around the country talking to groups of grandparents, and the single most radioactive topic wherever I go is — guess what? — tension between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law.
I hate it when clichés turn out to contain more truth than rumor, but so many grandparents on the paternal side feel like second-class citizens, compared with maternal grandparents. In many families, the mom's mom and dad often have easier and more frequent access to the kids. In other families, maternal grandmothers even act the part of what I call alpha nanas. One paternal grandmother who came to my talk in Las Vegas complained that her daughter-in-law's mother expects the grandkids to be with her side of the family on all major holidays — and her daughter goes along with it.
On the other hand, daughters-in-law don't necessarily have it any easier. There are mothers-in-law who, while not clinically deaf, routinely ignore their daughters-in-law's perfectly reasonable requests. "Tomorrow is not a good day to visit," one daughter-in-law said to her husband's mother, but the grandmother turned a deaf ear and showed up anyway — and not for the first time.
As a mother-in-law — and one who has worked hard to earn the trust of my daughter-in-law — I've come up with 12 rules to help both groups get along. And the key to them all, for both sides?
R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
For Mothers-in-law
1. Respect your daughter-in-law's parenting style — even if you don't agree with it. Much has changed since you were raising kids. More to the point, you're the grandparent now and you're not in charge. Earn your daughter-in-law's trust by playing by her rules when you're with the kids.
2. Respect her relationship with her mom — and don't try to compete. You'll lose.
3. Respect her relationship with your son — and don't badmouth her to him. You'll lose that battle, too.
4. Remember, good parenting is learned on the job — and she's doing the best she can. Give her the benefit of the doubt, and never forget how sensitive you were as a young parent trying to do your best.
For Daughters-in-law
1. Respect your son's relationship with his mother — whatever your opinion of her. You may get him on your side of your conflict with her, but your entire family, especially your children, will suffer as a result.
2. Remember that all grandparents — unless they are abusive or their behavior is in some way harmful to the kids — deserve to know their grandchildren, and vice-versa. If possible, let all the grandparents spend time alone with the kids. That is the only way they can establish lasting bonds.
3. Cut the grandparents some slack — within reason. They may buy the kids two scoops of ice cream instead of one, or ridiculous, overpriced toys — and then let them stay up an hour past bedtime. They don't mean to dis you; this is just their way of showing their extravagant love for your children.
4. If you happen to be the mother of sons, beware. Someday, if you're lucky, you'll be a mother-in-law with grandchildren, too. Behave accordingly.
For Both Mothers-in-law and Daughters-in-law
1. Boundaries is not a dirty word. In fact, it's one of the best words in the English language — and in practice, healthy boundaries are what keep us sane and foster friendly relations. Set boundaries for yourself, and respect your in-law's boundaries. When you do stray into each other's crosshairs, try to see the situation from her point of view.
2. Let go of your expectations about how things should be and work with the way things are. This means accepting the complete cast of characters who make up your whole crazy extended family, as well as other nonnegotiable circumstances.
3. Always think of the kids. Model the values you want the children to learn. Do you want to train them in sniping and disrespect, or trust and compassion?
4. Remember, the heart is a generous muscle, and there's enough love to go around. The Beatles said it best: And, in the end, the love you take/is equal to the love you make.
Get more tips for managing the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship:
- How to get along with your daughter-in-law
- What to do when you've been shut out
- Share your experiences and find support in our Mothers-in-Law Anonymous Group
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56 comments so far...
wear beige: keep your mouth shut; and your pocketbook open!
robert6250-
i would never accept money from my IL's-- too many strings attached. so just wear beige and keep your opinion to yourself unless asked.
i think this article is pretty good, except for DIL #3. no, it is not okay to give my kids extra junk food. i don't care how you see it, i see it that food and love do not mix. food is nourishment and needed. when you start equating food with love, then people emotionally eat. also, a lot of kids are affected by sugar and diabetes type 2 is rampant in children now. forget food in showing them love. with my children, if you break this rule you don't see them again, no negotiations period.
I want to add to DIL #2 - if the grandparent in question is harmful to the parents' relationship, they should not be around the grandchildren. A big cause of divorce is in-laws.
I agree with soontobe on DIL #3 - there are other ways to show your love than with food or gifts. Try being there, writing a letter (or e-mail or text or whatever) or doing a special craft together. My kids, my rules, or no alone time.
I also think #4 for MIL should be for mothers of sons and daughters. While there are more problems for mothers of sons, there are still MANY problems for mothers of daughters.
I have never had my man on my side, I never expected my man to take my side, I did expect him to be fair with his Mother and his female Partner (Me). By not taking sides. When he took to taking his moms side by placing blame on his female partner. Because his Mother wants him to place blame on his female partner simply because she blaems his female partner for her troubles.
Mothers don't expect mothers of sons to take there side. They only want the abuse given to the childs mother which is coming from a mans Mother to stop. Not by taking sides, but defending the Mother by letting his Mother know her negative talk and behaviours aimed at the mother is not acceptable.
Mothers also do not want to get the blame, from a Mother and her Son, because his mother can't manage to like the Grand-Childrens Mother. A mother simply expects, for her man to defend her and not take her side against his Mother.
Simply by telling his Mom its not acceptable for his Mom to abuse the Grand-Childrens Mother like she did, thats not acceptable for someone he cares above all others (His Mother) to take over a child that is not her child but her Grandchild. And insult the Grand-Childrens Mother or insult the Maternal Grandmother who loves her Grandchild/Grandchildren and was pushed aside by the Paternal Grandmother.
I hate it when clichés turn out to contain more truth than rumor, but so many grandparents on the paternal side feel like second-class citizens, compared with maternal grandparents. In many families, the mom's mom and dad often have easier and more frequent access to the kids. In other families, maternal grandmothers even act the part of what I call alpha nanas. One paternal grandmother who came to my talk in Las Vegas complained that her daughter-in-law's mother expects the grandkids to be with her side of the family on all major holidays 014 and her daughter goes along with it.
I hate it when it turns out to be true also twhen that cliche about a select group of paternal grandmothers turns out to be true. That there are a select group of mothers of sons who when they become grandmothers, become so obsessed with a womans child it ruins the bond between the childs mother and maternal grandmother and even publicly humiliates the mother, simply because she feels its her grandchild, that she had the right to be seeing the baby shortly after birth adn not allowing the mom 1 day to bond with her baby by turnign up the right polite way with all other family the next day to see her grandchild. Its not normal for a mother of a son to walk ahead of the mother and father holding there child by the hand or in her arms, make bizzare comments, that the grandchilds mother wants to hold the grandmothers hand but its unacceptable for a grandchilds mother to hold the Grandmothers hand but the Grandmother mentions its acceptable for her little girl grandaughter to hold her hand because shes young. Its not right for a Paternal Grandmother to get the Grandchild most of the time in public and nwhen seeing the mother spend some time with her child in public, for that Grandmother to fidn a way to seperate mother and child. By getting in the way of a mother comforting her child in public to be seen as the one person your Grandchild prefers over there own mother, by getting in the Grandchilds face and saying come to Grandma, and the child jumps out of the mothers arms into the Grandmothers arms, and with no other children to hug, and her man out of sight, shes just made the grandchilds mother feel like rubbish out in public through humiliation. Also the Paternal Grandmother invites herself to a 2nd party made for the maternal grandparents just to insult the maternal grandmother by saying the maternal grandmother is a bad grandmother. When the maternal grandmother steps outside for a moment, because the Paternal Grandmother went out to a nice birthday party at an eatery 1st with her sons family to be with her grandchild. Also the Paternal Grandmother gets angry because the Grandchilds mother sat her daughter on lap for a brief moment in public and showed her puppies, saying that was the moment as her Grandmother that only the Grandmother should be seen showing her granddaughter puppies in public. She knows the childs mother is having a birthday nect week so she buys her grandchilds mother a cheap gift saying I could nto afford you adecent gift, but she sure could afford herself, and the rest of her family nice birthday gifts. After the cheap gift, the mother of the grandchild, she calls crazy, a female dog, and blames, because the Grandchilds mother soon stood up to the Paternal Grandmother insulting her and taking over her child in unatural ways to make herself look good and also the chance to publicly humilate her grandchilds mother.
isn't MIL#1 and DIL#3 a contradiction?!?!?
Loveisnotselfish??? What your are typing here is very confusing. I am not at all sure of whom you are speaking about at any given time except that you feel like you are being dissed at every moment of every day by your MIL. Is that correct?
Seems soontobe summed up her feelings in her first sentence. With any luck, she will be a MIL one day and her DIL will act just as dictatorially...
dil rule #2 is absolute fallacy, and frankly irresponsible for a grandparents site to publish.
"let all the grandparents spend time alone with the kids. That is the only way they can establish lasting bonds."
i sincerely hope that grandparents who live far away from their grandchildren, or grandparents aren't physically able to provide supervision for an active toddler or child alone, don't come across this published outright lie from an "expert".
how heartbreaking it could be, if someone believed such a lie, because they read it on a reputable site they trusted.
i hope those who simply enjoy family visits and celebrations all together, as FAMILIES, don't read this and feel worry or unnecessary guilt, either. why would this site create anxiety by having "experts" tell grandparents they can never have a lasting bond with their grandchildren, unless they get them alone?
"the only way to create a lasting bond" is through alone time?? so the weekly visits, holidays, birthday parties, dinners, phone calls, talks, stories, laughs, bedside chats, none of that is lasting. unless you get the only way - alone time. okayyyyyyyyyy.
i don't think i ever spent alone time with my own grandparents! we always visited as a whole family, and hosted as a whole family. so many happy memories and dinners and holidays and get-togethers. i had great love and and LASTING bonds, with all 3 of my living grandparents until the day each one died.
to say "the only way" to have a lasting bond with a grandchildren is not only simply untrue, it's cruel to print on a site like this. it sounds like one good way, but please have the compassion to re-think this random and absoultely untrue assertion that alone time is "the only way".
Dear Love is not selfish: It sounds like your dealing with people who have too much time on their hand and miss the time they had with their own kids. I think you should plan times aloen with your own kids too. Take care
I try to have the grandchildren at our house without the parents, it's safer and more delightful (quality time). If I'm invited to special events/holidays I'm grateful to join and be part of their life. I have my own special moments with the children and share pictures with their parents. It makes my life happier and they seem to enjoy grandma and grandpa better as well. Ther personal life is theirs, I have my own to deal with.
I left my comments here and now can't find it, why?
What if DIL will not care for her infant? May I interfere then?
Dear soontobe & pbbit, Come on lets not be so strict about the grandparent's giving the grandkids a little bit of junk food. The grandparent's don't get to see the grandkids very often. What's the problem? Get a life! It's not as if they do it everyday. You sound like your very controlling. My way or the highway! Loosen up a little bit. The grandparents have been around alot longer then you. I'm sure they wouldn't do anything to harm the children. There's nothing like siting down with a bowl of ice cream,a piece of pie or cake and telling stories with your grandkids. Far better then an email or carrot stick. Sincerely BeKind
soontobe...
glad you're not my dil
Wow glad a couple of people here aren't my DIL's!!!
I am lucky to have an exceptionally wonderful daughter-in-law. Though they live far away, we keep in contact frequently by phone and when I go to visit it is always a pleasant time for all. The most important thing I have learned and I think keeps things good between us is having respect for the rules she and my son make for their children. They expect I'm going to push the limit a little, but they know I will respect their wishes about everything when it concerns their children. I will always support their decisions when it comes to their children as I realize I am a visitor and will be leaving to return home at a later date. I also recognize the exceptional job they have done when parenting their children as
evidenced by the wonderful, smart, loving children they have.
The grans 'get to spend more time with their maternal grandparents?'Let's see, who would you rather spend time with? The mother who loves you unconditionally or the mil who is super critical of everything you do? And sniveling to your son, trying to cause trouble between the couple just to get your own way, that is truly EVIL. You are risking the security of your own grandchildren just to get your own way. Talk about controlling! Like I said before, this new family is not a 'do-over' for you. It's hard enough to be married and stay that way in today's society without attacks from within. And as you can see from my signature, I am a MIL
What I see as the perfect Daugter in law,one that loves my Sons and Grandchildren,everything else hosekeeping cookin ect.can be hired to be done and is not important,loving,and kindness is #1 ,I have one dil,that is more like a Daughter,now for 25 years 21 of these they are married,also I do not care what they call me if by my first name or Mom or Mother it is a good idea not to press that subject, told my dil as long as they call me something they feel comfortable with.My dil that has been my daughter now for 21 years and I have never had a bad word or hurt feelings between us,sometimes I have to take her side in a discussion.
My challenge is my mom-in-law, I was married before and i have children from my previous marriage, my husband was married with children from the previous marriage we have been married for 21 years. My mom-in-law thinks we should be with her for all holidays, birthdays of all 5 of her children and their children and my husbands children and their children, but no in-laws they are bad mouthed as well as their kids. We have to go to my mom-laws to have Christmas exchange with my husbands children and grandkids, my mom-in-law has Christmas with my husbands ex and kids and then we have our Christmas with them. My husband doesn't think this is strange because his mother prefers it this way. We have designated times at holidays to accomadate his mother and his children. It's just been the last few years my in-laws acknowlede my kids at Christmas, of course they didn't know their names till just a few years ago and of course don't have any ideas of their birthdays. I'm sick of it, and at the end of my rope.
my youngest GC 6. We have one that is 12, lives in another city, we have two step GC, after dealing with two different DIL's I have took my self out of the loop, there is not a way to do this any longer, One mother has told the child daily to hate us until she says now she hates all this side and never wants to see her dad are any of the family.. the one he lives with now only wants her parents to be around the child. After a long time of preying and wondering what and where it went wrong I give up. We are not invited to attend any functions. We are not ask to go to any school lunchs for family, we did show up at the last one and the other grandparents said that they had their seats saved and were told to be there.. Ok I give.
I wanted to be a greatgrand ma , after dealing with two daughter in laws I just don't have the energy any longer to fight over something that I feel is a gift and I sure don't want to bring any more strss to our life. I give.. I have tried to talk with our son and he see no problem.. ok I tried to talk with the DIL she said we were trying to take her child and turn him againist her. Not so.
I have to end this year with a gift giving for the season , we live with in 10 miles of the kids so I am dropping out. Bring the kids over if you want too. If not so be it.
DIL's make life so hard to have a relation with the son's kids it is just no longer worth all the worry and love I have to give.
I have stopoped going to their home unless it is an emergency, now I have decided to stop with the gift giving. Nothing is right. We do not smoke, drink, do drugs, we don't mind their business, we don't tell them how to live, we don't go uninvited, we don't call with ideal chatter, we only have one son, I am an orphan with no family and would do any thing they need me too.
There are DIL's that you could be a saint and they would not want you in their life. No matter what is written or how hard you try she lives in the belief that only her family are the ones to have in their life. Seems the harded you work the more it upsets her and the more she will keep the kids away from you. Ok,, I am out..
When our son married we were thrilled. Now we had the daughter we never had. We did everything she ask of us and more. When our granddaughter was born we could not have been happier and let our daughter-in-law know it.
This is so simple.... Mind your own business and all will be well. Don't tell me what to do in my house and I won't cuss you out.... My kids, my marriage, my life, got it, good..... We won't have any problems. I have my own Mom if I need advice.
So many of these comments make me sad! I am a DIL and also a MIL. I don't claim to be an expert and have had my feelings hurt several times by my DIL's. BUT - I am sure I did my fair share of hurting my MIL's feelings when I was a young mother. There are really no books out there to help us figure things out and we may tend to be insecure and a bit selfish when it comes to our our new little families. I feel so bad for tdbird and her efforts to be a good MIL and grandmother. Maybe she could offer her services in the community, because I'm sure there must be lots of kids who could use all the love she has to offer. It's just so sad because her son and DIL will realize later in life what a treasure her love would have been for them. All we can do is our best and try to be understanding. Good luck to all of us MIL's!!
Actually, for my kids, it IS very important that GP not give out snacks and what-not. I have skinny-mini kids - I know what foods they need to eat to get the most amount of calories, fat, proteins, and vitamins into their bodies. If my mother (MIL is cut-off because she is a nut case) gave them a snack that was just processed foods and carbohydrates, it could mean not getting them the nutritional value they need. THAT is not okay. This is why I have rules for my kids. Just because you are older and have been around awhile doesn't mean anything. MIL is older and has been around awhile, but thought I was poisoning my kids by breastfeeding them past 12 months. Age does not equal wisdom.
I'm sure the MIL out here remember having rules for their kids when they were young parents. I'm sure they also remember those rules being ignored and how it feels (the complete and utter lack of respect for the decisions you made as a parent). Nowadays, we don't stand for that type of disrespect. My kids, my rules. You can either respect my rules or you don't get to see my kids alone (NOTE the ALONE - I'm not saying you won't get to see my kids, just won't get any "alone time"). It's your choice.
As the paternal grandmother of a 4 year old type 1 diabetic grandson I've suffered from my son's wife wanting to control every aspect of my grandchildren's life. She came on the scene a year and a half ago and has since married my son and had a child of her own but while dating she was very loving and supportive of his two children by previous marriages, now acts as though their the worst of the worst, (son has custodial rights of his 4 year old son) which bothers me immensely, she is very harsh to him (grandson) and I have a hard time understanding it. My son has a 10 yr old daughter that is being pushed out of the family unit entirely. I try very hard not to say anything that would not be supportive to son and his wife but bite my tongue constantly. Did I mention the Dr. Jekyl Mr. Hyde personality? She is nothing like the original person my son brought home. I'm angry that my son doesn't see this and doesn't support his children when their faced with constant criticism and negativity. As paternal grandparent I realize nothing I can say would help the situation but gosh does anyone else feel that frustration?
I had a very good teacher in my mother-in-law. I learned exactly how to be a great mother in law by doing EVERYTHING the exact opposite way that she did.
I only call my son when I have something really important to tell them - like what time dinner will be on the holidays, or that the surgery went OK on the dog, or that when his brother will be arriving from Seattle. Any other time, it's up to them to call me and give me the latest.
Even though they live in my house ( I have remarried and live in my husband's house) - I gave back my key and only go over when invited. Well, there was that one time the water heater broke, was that really being invited? They have completely redecorated, I like what they have done, not love, we have different color favorites, but they have done a great job.
If they ask my opinion, I give just that - opinion. Not advice. There is a difference.
My mother in law knew how much of a raise my late husband got before I did. He told her things that he never told me and I didn't find out until after he died. I have no idea what my son or his wife make, I only ask that they pay their own bills. Do I help them? Sure, I would rather they get the student loans paid off so that they can get on with life.
I read some of these posts and I am just giving my comment.
But I have to agree with one that said I'm glad these young women are not my daughters in law either - selfish and spoiled - that's how they come off in print.
A special treat with grandma can be something mom doesn't make - like real pancakes or for that matter, anything that doesn't come out of the microwave. We already raised our kids, grandchildren are proof that it was worth it.
My cup of tea with my grandmother, after school, talking about what I did and learning to knit, watching her as she made supper, setting the table with her and all those memories will never fade and helped me to become the woman I am.
"Respect your son's relationship with his mother 014 whatever your opinion of her. You may get him on your side of your conflict with her, but your entire family, especially your children, will suffer as a result."
I wish the author would explain how the family and children will "suffer." A husband's place is with his wife, not his mommy, and his mother should not place him in the position of taking a side. If taking his wife's "side" will cause suffering, how so? Because his mother will cry and make him miserable? Because she will blame the daughter-in-law? Because she will badmouth the couple to extended family who don't have both sides of the story?
Ms. Graham needs to reconsider some of her ill-conceived advice. A man leaves and cleaves to his wife, and mother dearest needs to take a step back. How many grandmothers here were treated like gold by their husbands' mothers? Can you remember how it feels not to be?
I was fortunate enough to get along with my mother-in-law. I understand everything all of you are saying, just I hear a great deal of judgmental attitidue out there and that's not so good. I suspect all of you are the DIL and as a grandmother (mother of the son), I would only pray you'd lighten up a bit. How much damage is one day a week or month of the "two-scoop" theory going to do?
We raised the men you love and married and apparently didn't do too bad a job or you wouldn't have picked them to be your life partner. We had to be strict "one scoop and then only if you cleaned your plate". I don't let me grandsons run wild -- don't even think they would if I'd let them -- they're very well behaved little gentlemen, but cut us some slack. We're supposed to be able to do at least some of the things as nanas we would do as mamas -- think that's in the Grandmother Manual somewhere.
DaynaSue -
"We're supposed to be able to do at least some of the things as nanas we would do as mamas -- think that's in the Grandmother Manual somewhere."
Really you think so? I'd love to find this "Grandmother Manual" that you are talking about (thank God it doesn't actually exisit!) - I think it needs to be re-written or at the very least "updated" to take out such entitled non-sense!
Your the GRANDMOTHER of your Grandkids NOT the MOTHER. Your GK's aren't your "do over" when it comes to doing the "Mama things".
You had your chance to do the "Mama thing" - you now get to do the "Grandmother thing" all while still respecting/following the parents rules/wishes/boundaries when it comes to your GK's.
I think you'll find that parents are MORE THAN WILLING to cut the GP's "some slack" when rules for the GK's are followed.
EasyGram - your entire post was PERFECT and so well said :)
Sunshine,
Funny, I know someone just like you. She used to be my sister-in-law. She talked that way to my mom in person, not on the web.
It had to be her way or the highway, that was her opinion. Until one time they really needed my parents to help with getting custody of my neice from my brother's first wife. The judge said that my niece had to be with a "blood" relative and this new wife didn't count. Kinda put her in her place when she had to do what a judge said, and she found out what a grandmother means legally.
So you just go spouting off like you do, someday you may really need those grandparents and when they tell you to "talk to the hand" don't be surprised.
You are a very rude young woman.
One trend I would like to see this site reflect on is this: I am a modern (fairly) young grandparent who had my children in the 1980's. I breastfed and often joke I "invented" attachment parenting along with feeding natural foods and using positive discipline. Along with that I have been in the early childhood field for 25 years, so I have updated information, sometimes more than my kids. Please don't make the assumption that all grandma's are elderly and have old fashioned ideas, I am sure there are alot of young, informed grandparents out there.
My, my, my! What bitterness I'm reading! Just an indication of the natural tendency we all have to protect our "territory" and the potential pitfalls of just being a daughter-in-law or a mother-in-law. Neither job is for the faint-hearted! My mom always reminded me that when chosing a husband, I should first observe very closely how he treats his mother, because, "someday that is how he will treat you". I followed her advice and I'm blessed to have a husband who has plenty of love and respect for his mom and for me. She gets on my nerves sometimes, but when I can't love her for herself, I love her him. For the most part, she has been a loving and supportive mother-in-law for forty years and we are STILL SPEAKING! I'm also blessed to have a wonderful son-in-law, and a precious daughter-in-law. We get along beautifully. My daughter-in-law knows I love her. I treat her like I do my own daughter. I help her when she wants me to and get out of her way otherwise. I'd respect her rules with the four children, except she doesn't have a whole lot of them. We're kinda' like the "Outback" slogan..."no rules, just right"! She trusts me to do the right things with the children because she knows I would die for them. If I allow them a cookie once in a while, she doesn't get all twisted out of shape. She knows I won't over-do it. However, if she said to me in no uncertain terms, "NO COOKIES", then no cookies it would be. Thankfully, she is not that rigid. We try to do all things in moderation. That not only makes for a healthy body, but a healty personality, too, which is also important. I have two adult children and ten grandchildren ranging in age from 13 years to 16 months. My kids and their spouses NEED me and I am very glad they do. I think it would take more than a small "treat" for them to cut me off from the grandchildren forever. I did make a mistake once in disallowing an activity that my son and dauther-in-law permitted. My son talked to me calmly about it. I apologized and it was forgiven. That is the way conflicts should be handled...not with threats of never seeing the grandchildrn again. GoodWitchGlinda made a good point. I would restate it this way, "Don't burn your bridges behind you unless you are an excellent swimmer!"
This is for Sunshine1002. You cannot choose your parents or in-laws: but they produced YOU and the one YOU CHOSE. Therefor, honor them by not controlling them. You see it's not just your inlaws to worry about-its how you handle them that will affect the childrens lives forever! If you have had or are having family problems, relationship, etc. Look in the mirror first-afterall if they made you and you are not like them you must have made a decision when you were very young. Does that still hold true today and if so, why? Same goes for your in-laws. They didn't choose YOU either! If you got candy or icecream, etc, it was only sporadically-not enough to cause ADD, Diabetes, or other DISEASES. Being a control freak is no way to have a relationship you will have as long as you are their child or in-law. This only makes it worse-especially if spoken with the amount of WRATH and DISRESPECT as was written here. IF YOU are PERFECT-then you don't have children, you have robots. If I was your child and found out you wrote this, I would be ashamed that you were not wise enough to know the difference between action and OVER-reaction to a long standing position of a grandparent. IF you are not able to deal with tradition and it's values-why do you perpetuate it by having a child? Childless couples are childless by choice for this and other similar reasons. Start being thankful and less controlling. Your children will appreciate it when they get old enough to hear the disrespect in your tone. Limiting sugars is wise, along with healthy measures, but nothing, NOTHING is more important than MENTAL HEALTH-which is directly influenced by the way parents conduct themselves and HELP the children live their lives during their formative years. If you give the GP's the highway you'll only cause your child to regret you for it. Take this from someone who had the same type of words to GPs from their mother. I had to wait for mine to die before I could have a relationship with Granny. Too bad She was gone, but HER Mother, my GRANNY turned out to be a wonderful woman, wise and witty, even if a little round from her once a month icecream she enjoyed till the day she died.
To love is not selfish: Take faith in the fact that while your parents and inlaws are not you, they have had lives that made them the way they are. If it is a problem for other people to be around them besides you then maybe they are just difficult people and you shouldn't let them get under your skin. If they have friends then maybe it's you or you and your husband/wife they irritate, and you can just chalk it up to being from a different time and background. We don't help others change by demeaning them or giving them ultimatums-afterall No One responds well to this. But again, first look into the mirror. No one has to live with what is there except you. That means not your partner, your children, your parents, in-laws, friends, NO ONE. Only you have to live with the person in the mirror. Make your reflection what it should be in all ways and the most positive way to handle life's difficulties will eventually come to you. When it does, remember that the person in the mirror had the wisdom to look fist to theirself before casting shadows on another human face. Most importantly, children learn by rote from birth until about 13 years of age. Then they start learning what they will at will. This is when the hypothalamus gland is sealed, no longer allowing conditioning by this most direct, unavoidable method. You see it's not just your inlaws to worry about-its how you handle them that will affect the childrens lives forever! Good Luck and God Bless all of you.
GoodWitchGlenda, you are so absolutely right. These forward attitudes, lack of recognition that ELDERS are elders, not rulers or enemies of the relationships, but FAMILY ELDERS. Sunshine quoted the BIBLE-well the BIBLE says HONOR YOUR ELDERS-related or otherwise! I hope these folks that are on the "ME, MY WAY, and I WILL BE RECOGNIZED AS THE AUTHORITY" types learn 1 very valuable lesson-"He/She who shouts the loudest is the least heard." Afterall, if they are so wise to choose their partner and make children with them, then they must like where they come from, or else they are out to control the one they chose. Just my opinion, like you said. There is definitely a difference.
GoodWitchGlenda, you are so absolutely right. These forward attitudes, lack of recognition that ELDERS are elders, not rulers or enemies of the relationships, but FAMILY ELDERS. Sunshine quoted the BIBLE-well the BIBLE says HONOR YOUR ELDERS-related or otherwise! I hope these folks that are on the "ME, MY WAY, and I WILL BE RECOGNIZED AS THE AUTHORITY" types learn 1 very valuable lesson-"He/She who shouts the loudest is the least heard." Afterall, if they are so wise to choose their partner and make children with them, then they must like where they come from, or else they are out to control the one they chose. Just my opinion, like you said. There is definitely a difference.
Prediction: These daughters-in-law "from hell" will grow up to be mothers-in-law "from hell!!!
I cannot stand my mother-in-law! She is the most selfish, conceited, overbearing, brainless, frustrating creature in the world! She doesn't care what I think or what I say, and bitches and moans about every decision my husband and I make-holidays, vacations, parenting. NO ONE NEEDS GRANDPARENTS! THEY ARE NOT NECCESSARY! SO IF YOU ARE A GRANDPARENT THEN KNOW THAT IT IS A PRIVLAGE AND NOT A RIGHT! My mother-in-law has lost all privlages and now we don't even want to see or talk to her. Well last I checkes, God gave us parents and that's all we need. So I suggest to all grandparents out there that you don't mess up because if you do, you'll be gone!
thedaughterinlaw ~~ you must be angry at someone or someone has hurt your feelings. You can't really mean that grandparents are not necessary or did you feel that way about your own grandparents......and if so...how sad for you. Also -- being a parent is also a privilege -- it is not a right anymore than being a grandparent is a "right". I'm sorry your MIL is obviously unhappy with her life and it is affecting you. As a parent, a DIL and a MIL I can relate to it all. Just try to rise above it and realize we aren't all so foolish as your own MIL. (and some of us have DILs ourselves who sound like your MIL). The important thing is the kids or grandkids depending on what side of the fence you are standing on -- that's all that really matters anyway or at least it's all that matters to me and there is where my unconditional love is focused.
thedaughterinlaw~~ I'm so sorry you have a terrible mother-in-law! If she is as bad as you say, I couldn't blame you for wanting to distance yourself from her. But, please don't generalize so harshly and say that all we grandparents are "not needed". That is hurtful to people who have never even met you and certainly have never done anything to you to deserve such a brush-off. Don't negate our role just because your situation is less than ideal. I totally agree with "bnirvana". Parenthood is a privilege, too. My daughter and son-in-law are rearing three adopted children from China (along with three of their own). These little girls were deserted by their birth parents, one left under a bridge to die immediately after her birth. I feel sure it was not because the parents wanted it that way, but because in China little girls are not valued as they are here and the government restricts the size of families. When my daughter and son-in-law adopted them it was with our blessing and our commitment to helping them to give these little girls a good life. They could do it without us, yes, but they can do it better with us. You could say that in this case the birth parents are "not necessary", at least not any more! Actually, it is only necessary that SOMEONE who is capable, loving and willing take on that tremendous responsibility. You and your children are missing out on a blessing because there is not a good relationship with your in-laws. How about your own parents? Do you have a good relationship with them? If not, or if they are gone, I am sorry. If they are living and you don't value their grand-parenting, either, the problem may be YOU! Perhaps you don't have any idea what a blessing grandparents could be to your life. I am just bothered that some of the comments I've read here show a predisposition to an adversarial relationship to the family elders. This I know...if you EXPECT a bad relationship, you WILL NOT be disappointed. If you EXPECT a good relationship, you MAY be disappointed, but you are much more likely to be happy with the outcome. Depending on just how terrible you MIL is, you may want to do some introspection and see if you are giving her a fair shake. If not, maybe you could repair the relationship with some work and forgiveness. I wish I could be a stand-in mother-in-law for you to show you the love and respect you feel you have not received. But she is all you have, so try to make it work. If you have the courage, maybe a good sit-down-and-talk-it-out session would help. Maybe she doesn't know what she is doing that drives you away. Anyway, just don't hold all of us grandparents responsible for her faults. Best wishes!
She thinks that MY children, are HER children. That is one of the main problems. Things like getting my daughter a bunch of baby dolls and baby clothes, then saying things like "well I never had a daughter". And before I had my daughter, saying things like "I can't wait to dress her up in pink frilly dresses". I change her, feed her, bathe her, and love her...you get to play with her. I appreciate, and demand, my privacy. If you step in my bubble I am going to tell you whether you want to hear it or not. She can't handle hearing it, so we just distance ourselves from the entire situation. I am having a c-section end of next month due to placenta previa. My mother in law has kept trying to narrow down the date the last 4 phone calls we have had. I don't even know the exact date! It's an emergency situation, not a normal delivery. I don't have control over it. And last time we talked, when I said once again that I didn't know the exact date, she said to make sure and let her know when I find out so she can "zip on up" (she lives 3 hours away). She never asked if I wanted her there, if I wanted ANY visitors at all. I made a case by explaining that my son is going to be premature and needs extra care and never once did she communicate any concern for him, only concern for herself and getting to see him right away. It's disgusting. SHE is disgusting. Putting yourself before a child makes you lower than anyone. When I am ready, when my husband and daughter are ready, when my SON is ready, we will allow visitors. And whatever relationship I allow and feel comfortable with between my children and their grandparents is my perogative. It's not what they want. They should just be glad they are a part of our life.
thedaughterinlaw~~Wow! You place grandparents in the VISITOR category??!! You and I are from different worlds. I call grandparents FAMILY. I don't understand your attidude. We must be made of different fabric. I would have been crushed if my mother-in-law had not wanted to come when my children were born. She didn't need an invitation...she's family! Yes, she stayed a bit too long, but she meant well and I was not so sensitive that I couldn't endure it. She actually stayed in my home for a couple of weeks after each of my children were born. But, you know, I was so pooped I appreciated the help. After two weeks, though, I was ready to run things on my own and she went home. It actually made me happy to see her enjoy my children and to see them love her. They loved my mother, too, but actually got closer to my mother-in-law because she had more time to devote to them and was just more involved in their lives. My mother worked outside the home and was pretty tied down. I think your basic problem is insecurity. You are afraid that if your children love their grandparents a lot, they will love you less. Not so! Don't allow it to become a competition in your mind. Remember, the more love you give, the more you have. Your children don't have a limited amount of love to give. There is plenty for anyone who will return their love. Don't let jealousy blind you into building up walls around your little family to try to keep all the love INSIDE. What you are actually doing is keeping a lot of love OUT. From your earlier note I expected that your MIL was some kind of demented criminal! All you can say is that she wants to be there when her grandson is born....how terrible!!! Really, now, how can Grandma's coming to see her new grandson actually endanger him, even if he is pre-mature? There will be total strangers standing in the hall, looking through the glass at him. Couldn't she be allowed the same privilege as these strangers? Impose some limitations if necessary, but don't ban her from the experience completely. If you do, you will hurt her deeply. Is that really what you want to do? Remember that what you sow you also reap. You may be a grandparent one day and you will definitely have a different perspective. Praying that you will have a safe delivery, healty son, and speedy recovery from your C-Section.....
thedaughterinlaw~~Wow is the right word for this young woman.
10GRANDS - you put it very nicely, but this girl is one of those who thinks she can do it all and doesn't need anyone else to help her and that any of us over 40 don't have a clue on how to raise children. Although, she married this man, and she talks about his mother and thinks that it will all be fine.
I never got along with my late husband's mother - we clashed heads on everything. But, when my sons were born she was there, not caring for the baby mind you, but doing all the other things I couldn't. My last baby weighed 13 pounds at birth(breech natural by the way), although my MIL didn't feel comfortable feeding him or changing him, she would lift him for me and that was a big help, believe me. She made the meals, kept my other boys busy and got them off to school, she did the laundry and kept the house neat. When I was feeling stronger, she went back to her home and we got along fine.
Another instance, when my other son got pneumonia, my parents and my MIL pitched in whenever they could. When they brought some meals, and again did some laundry, my husband and I could care for our baby and monitor the medications, vaporizers and all the rest of the stuff we had to do. Grandparents were glad to take turns just rocking the baby when he couldn't get any rest and gave us a chance to catch up with our own rest.
My stepson and his girlfriend had a baby last spring. That young woman is of the same mindset as "thedaughterinlaw" - even though they lived with us, and paid no rent mind you, she wouldn't allow my husband (the baby's grandfather) help with the baby at all. She said it interfered with her "parenting" - we tried to explain that we didn't want to "parent" we wanted to help. Sometimes the baby would be fussy at night, when we would offer to let the girl rest, she would shout at us and swear at us.
She has since moved away, taking the baby with her and she now complains that her mother won't even watch the baby so she can take a shower. No pleasing that one is there?
Anyway, that's my thoughts today.
GoodWitchGlinda~~I enjoyed reading your "story". I'm as frustrated as you are about the attitudes I see in "the daughter-in-law" and those like her. It is really quite sad that they refuse to learn from the experiences of their parents and in-laws. However, life has a way of humbling the haughty. She probably feels invincible, as many young, healthy people do. There will come a day when she finds out she is not in control of the universe, not even the spot of ground she stands on at any given moment. We need God and we need each other. It just takes a little longer for some folks to learn that. My mother used to have a saying that irked me at the time, but was very true. When I'd be stubborn, wanting to having my own way as a teenager, she would occasionally give in (if what I wanted to do wasn't too far out in left field) and say, "Okay, go ahead; butt with your own head, but know this, it WILL hurt!" And it always did! My mom left this world for the better one twenty-five years ago, at the age of 62. How I miss her love and wisdom, STILL! Blessings on you!
I think people need to settle the hell down in terms of judging people based on the limited information they get in these posts. DILs AND MILs. Enough with the "you're spoiled and selfish" rants.
I think a lot of people come to these sites because they have legitimate concerns, but some get their point across better than others.
Of course having an intact, loving and generous family with grandparents included is the BEST CASE SCENARIO. But that's not how it always plays out. And it's not just because MILs are trying to control the DILs or that DILs are trying to shut out the MILs... sheesh ladies get over yourselves and stop projecting your personal issues onto the other women on here!! I don't care if you're 22 or 72, GROW UP! It isn't all about YOU!
I just can't believe the people that cannot look past their own screwed up situations to give people meaningful advice without jumping all over semantics.
There are going to be issues between generations and just between different family traditions no matter how you slice it.
I just hope I can take what I've learned from my own dysfunctional inlaw situation and use towards being a respectful MIL someday.
I refuse to let the dependency of others force me in to unhealthy dependent relationships. I am young, with a beautiful family and so much happiness still in our future. Now is MY time. Don't live through us because you think you deserve to. You did your job. Let us do ours. When we include you, thank us. When we don't, sit and watch.
Well, I guess "newbie" and "the daughterinlaw" are happy with their lives, although they surely do complain a lot, so I'm done trying to help. No more "casting pearls to swine" for me. I do not regret this dialog, though, because it has made me appreciate my family (especially my wonderful daughter-in-law) even more than before. And, I will admit that it has made me take stock of my role in her family and I will be even more careful in the future to show her the respect she deserves, although it has never been an issue that I am aware of. So, blessings on all of you. May life be a kind teacher!
I am amazed at some of the comments regarding my rules, my way, no, negotiations, no alone time, etc. Using a child as a tool in an argument is just wrong. What happened to sitting down and talking? Expressing views and opinions in an adult fashion? If the child was being harmed, severe action like this may be needed, but a cookie?
Very good article. I'm one of the lucky ones as my daughter-in-law is also my friend. She is a wonderful wife, mother and daughter-in-law. We respect each other.
***Your the GRANDMOTHER of your Grandkids NOT the MOTHER. Your GK's aren't your "do over" when it comes to doing the "Mama things".
You had your chance to do the "Mama thing" - you now get to do the "Grandmother thing" all while still respecting/following the parents rules/wishes/boundaries when it comes to your GK's.
***
Sunshine, I was hoping you might write a list of things you consider to be acceptable "grandmother things". Since you have such definite ideas as to what a grandmother can or can't do, I'd really like to see that list. Please be very specific in the list so we grandmother's can get an idea of how you see grandparents. While you are at it, can you also make a list of what a MIL's duties are?
Please remember. Just because someone becomes a Parent or a Grandparent does not make them sane. Whatever issues folks have before child/grandchild, still exist and sometimes even magnify, unless someone has gone through some type of transformation.
Some of charactors in these stories show signs of significant issues (personality disorders(PD), control issues, narcisism, etc.). People with PD are extremely difficult to deal with! You know your dealing with a PD when you are exhausted after being in their company for even a few minutes.
I wish those of you dealing with these folks the best. Do your best not to take it personal and maintain your boundaries. Join a support group if possible because you can bet that you'll need somewhere to vent, that won't increase the drama.
Wow you had me totally confused!
I have the 2 most healthy, happy, beautiful babies in the world. My husband and I have given them a safe and secure home, where their relationships can flourish with not only us but with others as well, and where they can explore themselves and become individuals. Both my parents, and my husbands parents, are bitter, judgemental people. We refuse to allow that in to our home. So everyone out there who thinks that they are somehow ordained by God to be the center of someone else's kids' life, think about your actions and your words. Because no matter how badly you want their kids, no matter how much you think you deserve them, you have to earn the title. Grandparents have this problem more than most. So please, grandparents, do us all a favor and back off. They think about you when your around, but they couldn't care less if you were gone. Its dad and mom. Period. Oh and Darcy and Cheryl, if you are reading this, I hope you learn your lesson within your lifetime or you will never allow yourself an ounce of happiness.
Can you do a newsletter devoted to the relationship between stepmothers and their daughters-in-law and those grandchildren?
For me, I wish my in laws would have emotionally engaged my children more. They live relatively close. Now that my children are older, they do not always have the time to spend with them. For those grandparents out there, it's not all about materialistic goods. Ask the children what they are interested in, ask them about "them". It's not about you, it's about them. Start encouraging a healthy relationship from the get go, don't assume you know best, it's a learning experience for all involved. It's not a right to be a part of a grandchild's life, it's a privilege.
I think this is a great article! But I see a slight contradiction between MIL #1 and DIL #3. If the best way to "earn your daughter-in-law's trust" is to play by "her rules when your with the kids," how much can we expect a DIL (or daughter or son, etc., for that matter) to accept our buying more expensive toys than they'd like or giving the grandkids an extra scoop of ice cream, etc? NOT saying that these are "cardinal sins" - just noting the contradiction.
Also, thank you pbbt, for pointing out that moms and their own daughters have issues, too. And that MIL #4 really could apply to that relationship, also. In fact, I'd add that it can apply to father/daughter and father-in-law/daughter-in-law relationships, etc., as well. It's not always the mom or mom-in-law who is openly critical of the younger parents. :-)
Meanwhile, as much as I love Grandparents Unplugged, and encourage you to join, I also hope you'll come and talk to us at Mothers-in-Law Anonymous. Here we explore the ins and outs of many of the issues raised in this article and more. And no inlaw/family problem is "too big" or "too small" for us to, at least, give our attention. You can find us, easily, on the Featured Groups List or by keying in the following link:
http://www.grandparents.com/gp/groups/group/Mothers-in-Law-Anonymous/index.html.