How to Deal With a Difficult Mother in Law

If your mother-in-law repeatedly hurts you, physically or emotionally, you're probably not going to be able to change her behaviour. You'll have to protect yourself, your family, and the future.

Steps

1. 1
   Detach and think of her as an acquaintance. Don't try to think of her as your "other mother" unless the relationship is warm, friendly, and family-like. Don't call her "Mother" or "Mom". She isn't your parent; you are equals. Call her by her first name, unless you are living in (or your spouse is from) a country in which it's considered rude to call your mother-in-law only by name. In that case, follow the custom properly as to how to respectfully address her, and ask your spouse if you're not sure about it.
   

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2. 2
   Express your feelings and know the common problems. Be aware that there is a belief that mothers-in-law often assume that daughters-in-law are terrible manipulators who wickedly control their son's lives. It's not always true - more often, the mother-in-law just doesn't want to face the fact that now she must stand behind another woman in her son's life. Other common issues: Mother feels a little less important to her child, Mother wants to be more involved with the young couple, Mother still sees son/daughter as her child rather than someone's spouse. These issues can lead Mother to be overly critical or to get her nose bent out of joint over little things. Don't make judgmental comments as she does, but let your husband (or wife) know that it hurts. You are entitled to share these feelings with your spouse (your best friend). Do not criticize her - remember this is his/her mother - but don't protect her either. You can say something like, "Honey, your mom may not mean to be hurtful, but tonight, she was. In the future, if she says something like (give the example that hurt you), I would appreciate it if you would speak up for me - maybe say something like (a respectful response which tells his/her mother that she is not being very nice, and that your spouse is not happy about it)".
   
   
   • Example: You and your husband, Josh, visit his parents to announce that you are expecting your first child (You're both in your late 20's) Your mother-in-law, Jo Ann, comments dryly, "Oh. What do you intend to do about the pregnancy?" and her tone leaves no doubt that she is not happy that you are about to become the mother of her son's children. Hopefully your husband has the stones to say something on the spot - but if he doesn't, don't you say anything nasty. Instead, respond with, "Well, we're thrilled about this pregnancy, so we'll be celebrating every day until the baby's born!" No matter what else Jo Ann says, just don't let her get under your skin. When you and Josh are alone, let him know that you were very hurt, and that when Jo Ann behaves that way, it makes you want to avoid her. Ask him to say something to her, along the lines of, "Mom, your snide remark really hurt Claire's feelings. I don't want to hear anything like that again. If you can't be happy for us, at least keep your negative thoughts to yourself. Otherwise, we won't be visiting very often." This lets Jo Ann know that her nasty comments won't amuse her darling son, and that if she wants to see him - and/or her grandchild - in the future, she needs to respect Josh's wishes and treat his wife with courtesy. It keeps Claire out of the middle of the complex relationship Josh has with his mother, therefore putting less strain on her and the marriage. If Jo Ann continues her sniping, Claire and Josh should not visit; instead, Josh should simply call Jo Ann once a month to chat and catch up.
3. 3
   Get spousal support. Does your spouse support you? It's very important, and will determine your success in dealing with your mother-in-law. Sometimes you need to tell your spouse there's a problem, since s/he will not want to ruffle any feathers. It's important to face this problem head-on with your spouse, as soon as possible. Be clear, and offer specific solutions that will be acceptable to you. Don't criticize your mother-in-law, just calmly state, "It hurt my feelings when your mother implied that it was I who "made you" move here/change jobs/buy a new car." (Encourage your spouse to make it clear to his/her mother that it was both of you as a couple who made these decisions, and that she should not be blaming you.) Each of you should take responsibility for putting your marriage/spouse first, and your childhood family next, which sometimes requires you to protect your marriage from your birth family. If your husband/wife will not step up and protect you from his/her mother, then you have a problem that will plague you for your entire marriage.
   
   
   • Example problem: Your spouse is warmly greeted by his/her family, while you barely rate a nod. You feel a little like the invisible woman - most of the family takes their cues from Mother, and she is not really acknowledging you. When it comes time to eat dinner, your spouse is seated next to Mother or Dad, while you are sent to the far end of the table, or worse, to the children's table. Mother sweetly asks, "You don't mind, do you? This table is so small." (of course, there's plenty of room for your brother and sister-in-law to sit between you and your spouse). This makes you feel isolated and you end up virtually eating alone. You valiantly offer to help clear and wash the dishes, and about halfway through, you realize you've been left on your own to finish while the rest of the family is in the den watching TV. Mother comes in to grab a few munchies and drinks for the family and smugly reminds you to turn off the lights when you're ready to join them. She does not seem to mind at all that you're finishing the dishes alone.
   • Example remedy: When you get home, tell your spouse calmly what happened. If your spouse becomes defensive and shuts down, you will need to continue this discussion until you are satisfied. But usually, the spouse will feel bad that you felt alone and put upon. Be very clear about what you want to happen, don't just vaguely say, "It hurt my feelings." Instead, say, "I think you should talk to her. If my mother did this to you, I would go to her and say, 'Mom, I saw how you treated Josh, and I did not appreciate it at all. You put him at the end of the table, separated us from one another, and then you deserted him while he was washing the dishes, and that was very small of you. I expect - and will require - better of you in the future. Because if this is the treatment Josh can expect when we visit you, you should know that we won't be visiting you much." By being clear about what you expect your spouse to say and/or do in such a case, you are setting definite boundaries for the in-law relationships. If a spouse is willing to step up and call his parent on the BS, it can go very far toward putting that parent on notice that his/her spouse must be treated with respect, or the result will be that the couple will not volunteer to be treated this way. Also, you should let your spouse know that if the seating arrangement is repeated at the next gathering, you expect him/her to pick up his/her plate and sit by you, wherever you are. Nothing need be said. This presents a united front to the parents and family.
   • Example problem 2: Your spouse and you have been talking or having a heated argument. Your mother-in-law eavesdrops and begins suggesting you how to deal with the problem. She does not respect the privacy that you both are intended to have. She begins telling her son how she used to deal with arguments with her husband when she was young.
   • Example remedy 2: When you both are alone, tell your spouse calmly what went wrong. Usually if your spouse is intelligent enough, he/she should have immediately told his/her mother to shut up as you both are adults and can solve your own problem (you both are married now, hope she remembers it). Your spouse must have told the mother, “I know you are quite old and experienced, but leave us alone to let us make our own follies. We are big enough to handle our own issues. If we need an advice we will ask for it. If we don’t then you don’t have to waste your advice on us”. Also, you should let your spouse know that if the same arrangement is repeated at the next gathering, you expect him/her to sit by you, and speak for the righteousness, whether you are present or not. This reflects the unity of you two in front of the parents and emphasizes that you are not unaided because you are married now.
4. 4
   Make your spouse understand that it is s/he who must take the lead with his/her family. If your spouse will not handle his/her family, you will never solve this problem. Your spouse's mother has already demonstrated that she doesn't respect or recognize you. Nothing you say or do will change that. Unless your spouse is willing to take charge, talk to his/her mother in no uncertain terms, outline clear boundaries over which the mother must not step, and be willing to follow up his/her statements with action and definitive consequences, you will have to face the fact that you will not be able to change this relationship - ever. That may be a dealbreaker for you and for your marriage. If it is, let your spouse know before it's too late, so that s/he has time to remedy the situation.
5. 5
   Distance yourself physically. You don't need to move cross-country, but you also don't need to show up at every event. It's acceptable for your spouse to attend some family things without you. This should not be a common occurrence, however, you should not try to drive a wedge between your spouse and his family. On the other hand, if your spouse is often content to go without you, it's a big win for that mother of his/hers - she gets to spend time with her child and avoid you completely. Even if it's easier, this will cause discord in your marriage eventually, so it's highly recommended that you make it clear that you don't intend to be a "stay-home" spouse, just so that Mother can be appeased. Encourage your spouse to stand up for you, or this issue will follow you forever. But do understand that you probably won't be getting a lot of hugs from dear old Mom, and it's best to keep a little space between you and her.
6. 6
   Remember that it's highly unlikely that she'll change. If your mother-in-law has criticized you, stabbed you in the back to other family members, and has been dismissive of things you've said, she is making a very clear statement about this "relationship". Believe her. She may be occasionally nice. Judgmental, negative people often do this; they do something nice to reel you in, and then grab the opportunity to make a jab at you. If she's done this, remember to keep your distance even when she's being nice. You are more important than your relationship to your mother-in-law! Take care of yourself. Let the hopes go. Look to other women for mentoring, advice, kindness, role modeling. You probably have to write this woman off. It's not going to happen.
7. 7
   Recognize and avoid the triggers. Before coming in contact with the in-law, visualize the scenarios which always manage to get under your skin. What is it that is said or done that makes your blood boil? Once you determine those triggers (which tend to be the same emotionally, manifested in various ways), think about ways in which you can avoid them.
8. 8
   Don't raise the emotional temperature. If conflict is impossible to avoid, go ahead and respond honestly - not rudely, but don't sugar-coat either. Remember that despite your efforts to avoid direct conflict, this person has shown little regard for your feelings on whatever the issue is. Don't let the fear of hurting the feelings of your relative or in-law stop you from responding appropriately - she hasn't allowed any fear of your feelings to stop her from disrespecting you. This is a case where you must adopt the attitude that "I care about you as much as you care about me." If the answer there is "Not much," then don't worry about hurting her feelings - she certainly doesn't care about hurting yours.
9. 9
   Define your boundaries. You set the boundaries in your relationships, both with your spouse and with her. If those boundaries are crossed and your mother in law can’t seem to take the hint, and if your spouse is unwilling to address the situation and stand up for you, then you have to assert yourself to restore balance. If you have relatives who fail to respect your boundaries and behave as if the purpose of the relationship is for you to bend over backwards to satisfy all of their needs, you certainly aren’t alone. What you need to do is define boundaries which you consider to be bottom lines that may not be crossed, ones that make you feel violated when they are, and make them clearly known. For example, if you value your privacy and a relative insists on frequent unannounced drop-in visits, that may be a bottom line for you. The first thing to realize is that it’s perfectly OK to satisfy your own needs. A relationship that makes you feel violated isn’t healthy.
   
   
   • Example problem: Mother drops over unannounced just before you and your spouse are headed out for dinner. You say, "Gee, it's nice to see you (not), I just wish you'd called ahead. Josh and I are on our way out to dinner. If we'd known you were coming, we'd have made plans to eat at home." (hint hint - leave, Mom, and call first next time). Your spouse seems content to allow her to just sit and visit. Meanwhile, you're starving, it's getting later and later, and you realize you may not get any dinner at all. The visit seems to get lengthier and lengthier, the more you remind your spouse that dinner awaits (Mother just keeps on chatting and ignores the hint to leave, and your spouse allows it, seemingly helpless to stand up to her).
   • Example Solution #1: Simply say, "You guys, I need to eat. Let's all go." Firmly get your spouse up and moving. This will let Mom know that if she wants to continue visiting with her "baby," she will need to accompany you. If she says, "Oh, no. I already ate," then say, "Okay, Josh, say good night to your Mom. Jo Ann, it was good to see you, but we need to go now."
   • Example Solution #2: If this is early on in your marriage, then just go with the flow. Accept that she won't leave, and your spouse won't force the issue tonight. Go in and fix yourself something to eat. Offer some to both. Eat. Don't wait. This way, you take care of your needs, and you allow them to visit. After she leaves, you can calmly discuss this with your spouse: "Claire, please talk to your mom about the unannounced visits. I don't mind occasionally if someone surprises us, but your mom makes it a habit, and I feel it's best if you ask her to call first - I don't want to be seen as overly dominating. If it comes from you, she might take it better. Tell her she's always welcome, of course, but please - call ahead of time to make sure we'll be home."
10. 10
    Verbalize your boundaries. If you don't say something, she will not stop. And if you aren't clear with your spouse about how you would like the matter handled, your spouse may continue to appease his parent at your expense. You're an adult - speak to your spouse first, and your mother in law next, if your spouse is unsuccessful in putting a stop to her overstepping. If you’ve been going years without clearly verbalizing and enforcing your boundaries like a mature adult (i.e. you’ve been letting your mother treat you like a child for too long), most likely she won’t take you seriously at first. There may be a "shock" reaction (usually feigned) at the mere suggestion that you dare attempt to put restrictions on this behavior. Just let her have her reaction, but stand your ground anyway.
    
    
11. 11
    Enforce your boundaries compassionately but firmly. Try to enforce with kindness and compassion at first - after all, there's a good chance you've allowed this behavior to go on for years, and that makes you partly to blame for the fact that your mother-in-law has not learned the behavior you want from her. But if that fails, and she doesn't respond to gentle reminders, here's a no-nonsense approach to enforcing your boundaries: Let her know that for the next 10 days (start with 10, expand to 30 if she doesn't get the message the first time), you intend to strictly enforce the boundaries you’ve described. Make it clear that if she violates your boundaries even once during those 10 days, you will then begin a 10-day communications blackout. If you have to go to Blackout, it works like this: (Have your spouse) Let her know: For 10 days you simply have no contact with her. No drop-in visits (if she shows up, you firmly say, "Sorry, we just aren't ready for visitors right now. Also, we are not having contact with you at this time - remember? That is to help you with our new rules."), no phone calls, no emails, nothing — unless it’s absolutely necessary. After the 10-day "fasting" period, you can restart the original 10-day boundary-enforcement trial and repeat the process. Of course, you should let your mother-in-law know that both you and your spouse are equally committed to doing this (and it's best if your spouse is the one to inform his/her mother, not you) — be totally transparent about what you’re doing. Also, let her know that you’re resorting to this process because she's left you no choice - remind her that you've made many attempts to let her know how serious you were, and those attempts were ignored.
    
    
    • When you see this pattern occurring where you don’t have the leverage to enforce boundaries, such as with your spouse’s relative, and your partner seems spineless about having a confrontation, then you have to enforce these boundaries with your partner. You must clearly tell your partner to speak to his or her relatives, to defend you and your marriage/partnership, and to make it clear to his or her relatives that you must be respected, or else the two of you will not be visiting much. This has the benefit of pushing your partner to grow up (albeit sometimes kicking and screaming), learning to put your needs first and the “Mommy” figure's needs second. Some people just need a good kick to get themselves out of childhood and into adulthood, especially during their 20s. In the long run, your partner will likely be grateful to you for his/her new spine.
12. 12
    Disarm the primary weapon: Guilt. If Mother-In-Law attempts to use guilt as a tool of manipulation (which is extremely common), it’s fairly easy to overcome. Whenever you perceive her attempting to manipulate your emotions by making you feel guilty, bring the whole matter to conscious awareness by asking, “You’re not trying to make me feel guilty, are you?” She will probably deny it, but soon the pattern will re-emerge. Keep interrupting the pattern of falling into a state of guilt by bringing attention to her emotionally manipulative tactics. Simply keep asking questions like, “You're trying to guilt me again. Why?” or “You must really find this upsetting if you feel it necessary to try to make me feel guilty to get what you want. Can we try a different way of discussing this?” You don’t need to beat her up about it, and you don't want to say anything to her that your spouse would hate to hear you saying (such as reprimanding her, or telling her to be more mature) but put a stop to the use of guilt as a weapon, once and for all. If you refuse to enter the emotional state of guilt, it will allow you to be more objective and compassionate in seeing that she is probably using guilt because she feels powerless. If you can address that sense of powerlessness (i.e., say something in front of the family to flatter her, such as "We usually reserve Friday nights for dinner with Mom and Dad - we need family time with them!" This gives her a sense of importance in front of everyone, and helps her feel needed and wanted), you have the opportunity to transform the relationship for good.

Tips

• You are entitled to a peaceful life. You do not owe this woman your life - but she does deserve respect. However, she's just a person, the same as you, and if her behavior is ugly, she isn't entitled to any sort of special privilege. Mothers-in-law sometimes assume that they're going to be a powerful matriarch. No. Respect and admiration are earned. If she doesn't deserve it, you're certainly entitled to protect yourself and your marriage, and keep strong boundaries.
• Hold your spouse accountable for dealing with his/her family - before you step in, your spouse should speak with her.
• You and your partner need to present a united front. This will be much more weighty if each of you makes it very clear to your own mothers how you expect them to behave with your spouse.
• If your mother treats your partner disrespectfully, you should tell her - you shouldn't expect your partner to jump in your mother's middle.
• Similarly, you married your significant other, not his/her mother. Obviously, you will need to make adjustments and accommodations at times, but neither of you should have to completely change yourself because of a dominating, passive-aggressive, or clueless mother-in-law.
• The more you can remind your spouse that s/he married you, not his/her mother, the more your spouse will address the issue, as s/he properly should, and respect you and the marriage.
• Sometimes it really is just cluelessness and not malicious intent.
• Mothers-in-law get excited over the prospect of "gaining a son or daughter" and can over-do without meaning to over-step.
• Do be kind and compassionate - if Mom seems to just be excited about having a new family member, and wants to be super-involved, giving loads of helpful hints and bringing you bizarre presents (stuff she would love - like that weird rooster-themed toaster cozy) which you have no idea of what to do with, or she constantly makes suggestions to "improve" you ("Oh, this meat loaf is good, but let me give you my recipe - it's Joshua's favorite!" Resist the urge to say, "Jo Ann, he likes my meatloaf better than yours, he told me so.")
• Be kind and gentle with her. You will catch far more flies with honey - if it's possible to do this way.
• Consider sitting down and having a heart-to-heart talk with her. Pick your moment carefully. Think about what you are going to say ahead of time. Get your partner's support and thoughts on the matter ahead of time. If she is making your life miserable, what do you have to lose?
• Your mother-in-law, if cultivated properly, can become a powerful and beneficent force in your personal life as well as a great support network for your marriage. But you have to work to make that happen, and the key to the kingdom here is communication. Just let her know if you need more alone time. It's only when she ignores your wishes after you've made them clear to her that you need to resort to some of the things in this article.
• If fighting- leave situation ALONE for a little bit. If your mother-in-law can see that you are avoiding the topic, most likely, she will too.
  

• If she really attacks you, your husband or wife needs to support you. Your spouse can simply phone her and said "I heard you say X to my wife/husband. I didn't think that was very nice, and it really hurt her/him. Do not do it again." (Note: it is very important that your husband or wife not leave you alone with her! He or she needs to be a witness! Otherwise, that mother-in-law may say that your interpretation of events is incorrect, etc.). But if she does something in front of your spouse, your spouse can say that it bothered him or her. This is key. And it is your spouse's responsibility to handle his or her own mother, just as you should deal with your family, and he or she shouldn't have to.
• Mothers-in-law sometimes "lay in wait" until no one else is in the room (including their own husbands, whom they want on their side). Do not be alone with her. If you find yourself alone with her, immediately get up and go to the bathroom, take a walk, do whatever you need to in order to not be alone with her.
  
  
  • It's highly recommended that if you have a child, take them out of the room at the same time that you are leaving. If you don't trust your mother-in-law yourself, you can't trust her with your child. Don't allow her to say poisonous things to your child, undermining your relationship with that child.
• If all else fails
  1. • Relocate to another city. Many people swear their marriages have been saved by this solution!
     • If your partner does not support you, this is a critical sign! A sign not only in terms of, your relationship with your MIL, but, with your own marriage. You have to give serious thought as to whether this is a marriage you want to stay with.

Related wikiHows

• How to Cope With an Overbearing In Law
• How to Get Along with Your Mother in Law
• How to Be Comfortable Around in Laws
• How to Make Your Inlaws Like You
• How to Deal With Intrusive, Needy Mother in Laws
• How to Deal With Impossible People
• How to Visit a Relative You Can't Stand

Sources and Citations

• StevePavlina.com - Dealing With Difficult Relatives. Original source of some of the content in this article. Shared with permission.
• StevePavlina.com - Understanding Family Relationship Problems. Original source of some of the content in this article. Shared with permission.

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