Does your spouse make promises that aren't kept? Does your spouse acknowledge that there are problems in your relationship but refuses to change behaviors or see a marriage counselor with you?
Growing Frustration
The frustration of your spouse's lack of follow through on good intentions, or saying one thing and then doing another, or breaking promises can slowly erode both the emotional and physical intimacy in your marriage.This frustration can be heightened if your spouse refuses to seek marriage counseling with you.
What can you do when faced with a spouse who has a serious behavior (gambles, drinks, spends too much money, has a very negative attitude, can't keep a job, is emotionally or physically abusive, doesn't make time for the children or spouse, is unfaithful, etc.) that could potentially destroy your marriage and your spouse won't change, isn't willing to work on improving your marriage, or won't seek marriage counseling? Although it isn't easy to cope with this type of situation in a marriage, here's help on how you can deal with a difficult marriage when only one of you wants change.
No Easy Answers
There are no easy answers when your spouse can see no reason for change or doesn't want your marriage to change. Some situations can be dealt with and other situations are deal breakers.Only you know what you can tolerate and still be emotionally healthy yourself.
Note: Do not endanger yourself or your children by remaining in an abusive situation.
You Can't Change Your Spouse
- Accept that you can't change your spouse. You can only change yourself and your own reactions. Changing your own behavior may trigger your spouse to want to make changes.
- Respond differently to difficult situations. If you've had the same argument over and over, state that you will not rehash the issue and leave the room. If you've not expressed your feelings previously, share how you feel with your spouse.
Know Yourself
- Get to know yourself and look at your own attitudes, behaviors, expectations, hopes, dreams, memories, concerns, behavior triggers, fears, etc. Ask yourself how long you think you can stay in your marriage if things don't improve. Consider individual counseling to prevent feeling depressed or helpless, to understand your role in the conflict in your marriage, and to clarify your plans for your future.
- Decide which of your spouse's negative behaviors you can live with and which ones are deal breakers. Decide if you are able to adjust to the irritating and hurtful situations in your marriage or not.
Face The Issues
- Realize that your spouse may not be as frustrated and unhappy as you are.
- While sharing your love for your spouse, express your concerns and fears about the future of your marriage. If you are having doubts about your love, make a list of what you love about your partner.
- Don't postpone having a conversation with your spouse to identify the behaviors and face the issues that are creating problems in your marriage.
HELP! My Spouse Drinks Too Much
22 Comments
What do you do when your spouse is drinking too much and it is affecting your lives together in a negative way? Do you continue to close your eyes to what’s going on and hope that someday he/she will finally wake up to the problems this behavior is causing? If you’ve “been there” and “have done that”, the question is: “How’s that been working for you so far?”
Do you yell and scream and try to shame him/her into stopping this behavior? Same question applies: “How’s that been working for you so far?”
And then there are the excuses — you’ve probably heard a million of them! “I drink to forget” “I feel better when I drink” “I’ve tried to ‘get on the wagon’ …’every time I fail’” and more.
“Alcoholics offer many excuses — ‘Drinking makes me feel better,’ ‘It calms me down,’ ‘I’m more fun when I’m drunk’ and more — but these explanations only skim the surface of the deeper issues that usually drive and fuel a drinking problem.” (Ashley Michael, from article titled “But I’ve Got Reasons” posted on Troubled with.com)
And what about the promises your spouse has made that “things will be different?” (That is, if you’ve even received such promises!) Perhaps you can relate to the following comments that came from a wife whose husband has a drinking problem:
“I couldn’t count the times Bob promised he would never drink again. That must be the most frustrating part of the experience — having Bob look me straight in the eye and tell me he’s through — really done with bingeing. He’d say, ‘I’ve seen how it hurts you and the kids, and I’ve had it. I promise you that I’ll never do it again!’
“Then in a day or two he was dead drunk. I thought he was lying to me. How could he love me and lie so many times to my face? But he wasn’t lying. He couldn’t keep his promise. Bob thought he could whip this problem with willpower. It’s like trying to stop diarrhea by making up your mind to do so.” (From the Focus on the Family Question and Answer article “If my husband drinks a lot but doesn’t get drunk, is he an alcoholic?“)
That’s not the most inviting word picture to think about, but it has some truth to it, don’t you think? Your spouse may have good intentions but he/she is in a state of denial both mentally (not facing the truth) and in a state of denial physically (where the needs of the body deny him or her the ability to stop reaching for another drink unless he/she has serious help).
It’s difficult to talk to someone who is in a continual state of denial, as well. That is why you often need help to know how to best work with the situation you have been handed. It comes down to the fact that when you are dealing with a person who is a heavy drinker —particularly if he or she is is drinking at the time, you aren’t speaking to your spouse so much as you are the alcohol he/she is using for numbing purposes — to cope with life in an unhealthy manner.
When you are trying to deal with this type of dysfunctional partner you truly need wisdom and help from someone who isn’t so close to the situation and can give you objective advice.
“A comment I often have clients, who are frustrated with a dysfunctional partner, repeat back to me is: ‘Do not expect functional behavior from a dysfunctional person.’
“Learning to get our expectations in line with reality is a first step in dealing with reality. We are often the first person that needs a change of perspective. In therapy we call this ‘re-framing’ the situation.” (Delores Stone, Counselor)
You need to “get real” within yourself and with your spouse. To help you with this, please click onto the web site links below:
• GAMES ALCOHOLIC FAMILIES PLAY
• TIPTOEING AROUND ADDICTIONS: When to Take a Stand (Watch Online)
So, in light of what’s been discussed so far, you may find the following advice from author Angie Lewis, to be helpful:
“Detach With Love. Be loving and supportive of the person you married, not the alcoholic. Don’t take any of the emotional garbage they dish out while drinking. Have you noticed how when your spouse drinks they start to berate you and want to start arguments? Don’t argue or fight back. Let them know you will not argue with them while they are drinking, period.“Above all, never allow the alcoholic to trespass against your spirit when they are playing one of their mind games. Walk away and close the door behind you. Go visit a friend, take a walk around the block, or put some ear plugs in your ears. Your mental health is what helps the alcoholic the most. This is what detaching with love is all about. Detaching yourself from the disease is what helps the alcoholic see that he needs help.”
To read more, please click onto the following web site link to read:
• TESTIMONIES: Coping With An Alcoholic Spouse – Angie Lewis
Also, fom Skyler Sage: Realize that:
“Alcoholism is a Family Disease. “This means that we are all affected by the substance abuse of a loved one. Not only are we affected; we play our OWN part in the continuation and manifestation of the disease. Our marriage, our family, is like a mobile. Each of us has our own little piece of the delicately balanced structure. Every action on any of our parts shakes the mobile. Tenuous balance quickly becomes imbalanced, shaken up, disrupted. Our role as spouses, children, friends on this mobile is just as powerful as that of the alcoholic’s.
“I believe this awareness is the first key in coping understanding that we play an equal part in the drama of living with an alcoholic. We are either part of the problem, or part of the solution with every word we speak, every secret we keep, every action we take, every action we avoid taking.”
To read more, please click onto the following web site link:
• TESTIMONIES: Coping With an Alcoholic Spouse – Skyler Sage
From Melinda Cook, comes the following advice:
“If you are not in any danger, continue to encourage your spouse to get help. Do not make it seem as though you are lecturing them though, they will rebel and continue in their disastrous ways. Find a support group, go to Al-anon meetings, and learn all you can about addictions. When they are willing to admit they have a problem, find places they can turn to for help in getting better. Coping with an alcoholic spouse can tremendously take a toll on you and your family.”
And it can, as you know.
To read more of Melinda’s story, please click onto the following web site link:
• TESTIMONIES: Coping With an Alcoholic Spouse – Melinda Cook
And then several additional helpful articles:
• DO YOU LOVE AN ALCOHOLIC — Stop Rescuing (Pt 1)
• DO YOU LOVE AN ALCOHOLIC — Setting Boundaries (Pt 2)
• PREPARING FOR A STRUCTURED INTERVENTION
After all of this, you wonder, will the information help me? Is there hope for my spouse? To read the encouraging answer, please click onto the Focus on the Family web site link to read their response to the question:
• My Spouse Is an Alcoholic Who Has Tried to Quit Drinking. What Should I Do?
We realize we have given you A LOT of information to pray about and consider. We want you to know that we pray the Lord opens the doors of heaven and pours out His Spirit within you and your home, and speaks powerfully to your spouse.
To give you some type of direction where you can get help, the following are a few helpful organizations you may be able to contact (we realize that they are not available to help in every country, but for some of you, they may be able to help in some way):
The above article was written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.
If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
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How To Deal With An Alcoholic Husband?
Trying to understand the reason that makes him drink will help you understand his problem better. Let’s look at a few of the possible reasons.
Why does he drink?
Very often a person might start to drink when he is not able to solve the problems, rather not ready to solve them. At other times it might have been just for fun. Yet sometimes it might have been a habit that he has picked up from his parents. The very fact that he has become a drunkard shows that he has lost his control over his actions. The drunkard has become addicted to alcohol, which is nothing but a disease.
Addicted to alcohol
If your husband is addicted to alcohol then he is suffering from a disease as chronic as cancer, which can become fatal at times. Yes, it is a disease, but do not panic. This disease can also be treated just like any another, but not without your help.
Do not cover his drinking habit, as it will contribute to his habit. Instead face the reality and make him realize it too, if he does not honestly do that. Being an enabler you will be indirectly helping him drink.
You might be having a sensitive husband who though realizes his problem, is not able to overcome it. He can overcome it only if he has your support. A wife is the closest companion whose love and patience can do the magic.
Be patient with him. Do not nag, criticize or comment him as this does not help at all. Instead try talking to him when he is not drunk. Remind him of his promises to end drinking just as he sits down to drink. Try to distract him from drinking during his drinking hours.
Remind him that he is actually driving away his family by his drinking habit. Tell him that if he needs them, he should try to leave the drinking habit and not his family.
Convince him to go to a counselor. Tell him that he must do it to regain his own self-esteem. See a psychiatrist if needed, because the doctor knows better.
If you have children, it becomes all the more necessary that your husband should stop drinking. Having a drunkard at home, might adversely affect the psyche of the children. Try and make him understand that he has to do it for his children if he is not willing o do it for himself.
If your efforts and his determination are sincere then he will surely succeed in overcoming his drinking habits. However, the fact that should be kept in mind is that he should never be allowed to touch drinks again or you will have to begin again from where you had started.
I am sure you can bring him back on the right track. Nevertheless, if your husband is not ready to make a move towards ending this habit, it is better to leave him alone and move ahead with your own life.
I studied and source - you may need it too
Strategies for Difficult Conversations
Pick a location for the conversation that is free of distractions. Choose a time when neither of you are tired. Be warm and not confrontational. Don't lecture. Stay on topic. Identify the problem. Clarify how the problem is impacting your marriage. Talk about what you want in your relationship, not about what you don't want. Discuss what makes you both happy and fulfilled. Brainstorm and discuss solutions to the problem. Bring up the possibility of marriage counseling. Agree to set a time frame to re-evaluate how things are going.
Re-Evaluate
- If things are not going well when the two of you are ready to re-evaluate your marriage issues, think about these questions:
- Is this a temporary crisis or the end of your marriage?
- What is the best thing that could happen if you stay together?
- What is the best thing that could happen if you divorce?
- What is the worst thing that could happen if you stay together?
- What is the worst thing that could happen if you divorce?
- Even if you believe your marriage is over, try one more time. Don't leave without telling your spouse you don't think the two of you can save your marriage without professional help.
Source: Purdue University Calumet
- Try saying: "We disagree; and we disagree a lot. That's why I would like for us to go to marital therapy." or "I love you, I care about us and I need some help in learning how to communicate to you better. I would like to try counseling."
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i was married one year plus
and found out he was lonely and no family love cares (he never told me before our marriage)
Now, he excuses to go out drink and over spent on his buddies with the reason of depression and her crazy or selfish mother who always forced us give moneys and talked bad about us!
She never cares her son feeling and she like to act being smart and success woman in front of some peoples. Everyday drink nobody business and crying.His son (my hubby) stressed and went out of home!!
I'm sandwich between them. They force me to tolerate with each other.
Mother in law said is my responsibility to take care of this family.
To do house chores, wash and clean their clothes but still being complaint not meet to maid standard !!
I don't know what to do and feel lost !!
A shame to tell true story !! I hope i can get
A little SWEET from MUCH Bitter loves
I always giving a chance each other and hope he can change this bad habit before i give up
Conclusion :
Finally is my first step to rescue my marriage before is too late to apologize
- Gene Ng likes this.
Self Introduction
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(USA) My husband’s thoughts of a good time always revolve around going out to eat, a few drinks and then out to another bar with more alcohol. I’ve often asked to do healthy things such as hiking, walking etc, maybe a movie and sometimes we may, but most of the time it involves alcohol!
He never sees a problem with drinking until intoxicated which sometimes causes fights. Sensitive issues may be brought up that probably wouldn’t have arisen if no alcohol was involved! His father was an alcoholic who told his boys once to beware of alcohol, but no one ever seems to think they are effected, only having a good time is all. Sometimes it’s difficult to be with someone who is under the influence!!
(SOUTH AFRICA) I know what you going through… I don’t go with my husband… he goes out the whole night. He is not aggressive when he’s drunk… the only problem is that if I try to talk about his whole night drinking… it ultimately ends in a fight and then he will deliberately go off again. He usually has intentions of coming home earlier but he can’t stop once he has started. He needs to be completely out if it before he can stop.
I find it frustrating because he is not a man that can talk… he is a very quiet man. He doesn’t disclose anything that disturbs him/worries him etc… not only referring to us… but generally. He will never just show the next person the true state of his heart. This is my frustration because even when I try to talk to him about our problems he just doesn’t respond (he sorts of goes into a shell) or else he’ll get defensive to shut me out. I don’t know what to do as well.
(TANZANIA) Geraldine and Lizabeth, sorry for what’s happening to you both. I pray that things change into a better situation. I fully understand your problems. My hubby is also a drinking person who always promises to stop but doesn’t.
It really hurts me a lot when he comes home late (midnight) from Monday to Sunday. We can’t discuss anything that’s productive for the family or if there are any important issues then we have to communicate by phone. When both of us are away to our work during the day time, there is no chance.
The truth is, I still love him with all my heart. I pray and do so many sacrifices do draw him close to me but he’s still the same. I always miss him. The kids (3sons) miss him so much but he’s just not with family. At times when he’s at home, I try my level best to make him happy and also be available whenever he wants me close to him. I’ve also discussed with him several times how he could stop his alcoholism but I’ve gained nothing more than the promise to stop the behaviour- an event which hasn’t happened to date.
I haven’t given up waiting for the day that he will change his alcoholism behaviour. So Elizabeth, and Geraldine, please lets join hands through prayer without forgeting praying and loving our hubbys in every possible ways while trusting “ONE TIME GOD WILL REMEMBER US”.
(PAKISTAN) I am facing the same problem. My husband drinks and becomes abusive; it seems like I am the worst person on earth for him. I get really disturbed. I have a daughter who is 9 months. What example will he set for her? It really gets so bad he doesn’t really know what he is saying and he expects me to be all OK the next morning. Please advise as to what to do in such a situation.
(USA) My husband is a very good provider but some week nights he drinks a whole bottle of wine by himself and binge drinks on weekends. He says he works hard and should be allowed to relax. When he is sober, he is a good husband and a good father to our 2 boys. The problem is when he gets drunk and in front of the children. At parties, he is always the most drunk and gives loud (often angry) speeches over religion and politics and embarasses me. Often, he starts an arguement with me when we get home (again, in front of the kids). The next morning, he doesn’t remember a thing. He also gets angry when I try to talk to him about how much he drinks. I don’t want to leave him, but he’s driving me to that point. Help!
(USA) Cindy, I’ve been married for 27 years, my advice is to make sure you make your own money so you can leave if you need to. I raised my kids, one is moved out, my daughter had to move back home do to economy. My husband drinks at night, nasty only to me, in front of my daughter, fake nice to everyone else during the day, everyone loves him. I cannot leave, he is the bread winner… if I had my very own income, I’d go. I’m in my 50′s and when he drinks my heart beats like a bunny at night from things he says. I’ve had police here several times… they ask if he has hit me… guess you have to be black n blue and bleeding to prove it.
Guess what I’m saying is, only he can change… if you don’t think he will, it will only get worse…especially if he is NOT nice when he drinks. I could write a book on my behind closed doors insanity.
(USA) Behind closed doors insanity is exactly what I’m going through. I’m 49 and have been married for 15 years. He drinks every night. 4 tall glasses of vodka/ice/water. I cringe every time I hear the ice machine. This is my very first post to any forum on this topic.
Last night was another night of berating me, and this morning he is once again the nicest man. I on the other hand can’t forget what happened the night before. When I asked him this morning if he cannot drink as much tonight, he became outraged and denied everything he said to me last night. He claims that I reinvent conversations. This has been my life for more then 15 years.
I recently retired and now I don’t have the distraction of going to work. But more importantly I’m feeling so trapped and lonely. I’m afraid this will never end. We have had break-ups, gone to counseling and they have not helped at all. He only drinks more.
(USA) My wife drinks a liter of wine a night and has been doing it for years. She has a million excuses why she does it. She has as many (half-hearted) unsuccessful attempts to “cut back”. Leaving her would be complicated and devastating to our kids but I’m beginning to conclude that it is the best option.
(USA) Hi all. My husband drinks and I have separated from him. I wish I had all the answers but I don’t. I only know that I am accountable to God for my actions. I am being healed from all the hurt and trusting God daily for my husbands deliverance.
(USA) My husband sometimes drinks but the bigger issue is he is addicted to pain medication. For the past 10 years he has been going to a pain clinic receiving Oxycontin, Vicodin and Morphine for a bad back. I don’t deny he has pain but he has been becoming more and more dysfunctional as time passes. The past couple of years he keeps going to the ER and Urgent Care getting other medications as well. All the while he is in a well-respected position and attending church.
This past spring my daughter and I tried to convince him to seek treatment 3 different times. He is in denial. Last month he locked himself in our room and stayed drugged up for a week and a half only coming out to eat and use the restroom. His boss put him on notice. That was when my daughter and I gave him a choice: go into treatment or leave. He chose to leave!
I’m now supporting my daughter and myself on my part-time income. I don’t know what to do, stay married, file for a legal separation, wait and see what he does? I’m perplexed. We’ve tried marriage counseling in the past but since the drugs alter his thinking its a waste of time and money.
(UK) A bit like me. My hubby drinks. He has a bad back and is on very strong pain killers. He drinks only 2 bottles –up to 4 pints and hides vodka bottles all over. He will drink the bottle in one go. At least once a week I’ll find a bottle but that’s just what he brings in. And all this at the same time as taking the pain killers.
I have asked him to try to stop. But he doesn’t think he has a problem with it. He cannot go 1 day and can start drinking at 1 p.m. –sometimes before. When he has had a drink he gets very loud. He goes at me and the kids about silly things. Then when I try to say we’ll talk tomorrow as you have been drinking (so we do not make a scene), he gets worried.
I feel it’s coming between us as we don’t do bedtime things as much because he always drinks and then he makes it sound as if it’s me not wanting to. Over the past 7 years he has had different reasons for drinking. First it was after a hard day at work, then stress at work; then he got fired, so it was because of his being bored. Then he started work and it’s stress, and now it’s the pain and stress.
I don’t know what to do. I love him too much to sit and see him get worse and die. I would tell him to go but I know he would use that as a reson to go and drink more. I’m between a rock and a hard place. Sorry to go on a bit, but it’s nice to tell someone. Thanks for taking the time to read.
(USA) I’ve been married 22 years and am only 40 years old. My husband is an alcoholic and does not want to admit to it. His explanation is I’m only out with the guys from work and this is at least a once a week ritual coming home at 2:00 am.. I’m full of worry and hurt that I’ve been putting up with this for so long. Do I love him? Yes. But I’m also killing myself inside wondering what is wrong with me that he can’t come home to his family and spend it where he should be.
I am not a drinker and pray to the Lord, I never will be. My children are now 21 and 19 and have seen the horrors of how their dad acts when he’s drunk. I have so much anger built up and to be quite honest I’m ashamed of myself for letting him treat me like this for so long. He was raised by a single mother, who herself is an alcoholic. She is much worse. She drinks everyday and most of his aunts and uncles are drunks.
I’m so embarrassed to let any of my family know this is happening so I turn to this website to relieve some stress and frustration. It sort of helps that I’m not alone in feeling like this, but sooner or later I will lose my insanity if this keep up…
(USA) I have been married to my husband for about 2 and 1/2 yrs and he gets drunk every night. He goes to bed before 630 pm and here I sit by myself. He starts drinking at 4pm and doesn’t stop until he’s so drunk, he needs to go to bed. Many times he tries to start an argument -I can’t have any kind of conversation with him when he’s drunk.
My evenings are very lonely- I don’t like going out to dinner with him, because he gets so drunk, he starts falling asleep at the dinner table. He is 71 yrs old and says he has been drinking his whole life and isn’t going to stop now. I think about leaving him, but don’t know if I could make it on my own financially. I am newly retired. I don’t know what to do- I can’t stand being around him and sometimes I wish that when he goes to bed, he won’t wake up!
(UK) Does my husband have a problem or do I have a problem with him? When my husband heads to the fridge and grabs a drink that’s it. He can’t stop until they are all gone and will if need be, get in the car and drive and get more if he runs out. He will then fall asleep snoring loudly. This is in the early evening. I will tell him to go to bed and I get shouted at.
He sleep walks, and falls asleep whilst sitting on the toilet… I stay awake as he can sleep walk and try and wee somewhere else that is not the toilet. (we have youngs kids). He doesn’t drink everyday but I know that when he has one he can’t stop until he can drink no more, as can’t hold the can. He is mean and annoying but never hit me.
If we go out for a social meal it’s something I dread as I know he will be the one who gets hammered and louder and louder… talking utter nonsense. I keep telling him to slow down but he can’t. I dread it when he has a drink. It makes me feel low and very upset. When he is sober he is tired. I never feel like I get any attention or help with the family… has he got a problem or do I?
(USA) Jill, From the comment you left I would definitely say your husband has an addiction and may need some help, but I would also say you may need family therapy as well. Also, along with addiction counseling you will learn about addicts and you can maybe understand more what you are dealing with. When you are not an addict it is hard to understand why they can’t just quit doing it because you do not struggle with it.
It sounds as though this is affecting you emotionally and that can turn into anger and resentment, eventually to where you do not want to help him anymore you will just want to get out. You have a problem in the sense that you are married to him so you need to stick by him and support him through this time in his life, but as far as you having a problem with him because of the drinking, I wouldn’t say you do. I think you have an issue of what is right and wrong and you know with what he is doing brings harm to him and your family even if it isnt physical.
If there are young children involved this is damaging them as well, so the sooner you seek help the better. He needs help… you will just need to be his support. Allow God to take the burden from you of emptiness and loneliness as you two work through this. Pray for strength as God helps you endure this addiction and what it may bring with it. I would call a local counseling center and find a # for an addiction couselor or call your church. You will definitely need prayer and God’s guidance. You can’t change him; he has to want to change. All you can do is put one foot forward and set into action what needs to be done. God Bless you! Deuteronomy 31:6
(AUSTRALIA) My wife drinks to excess, not everyday but at least twice a week. She will not stop until absolutely comatosed. If we go out I dread it because she can’t just have a social drink, she has to get bladdered. She has been in hospital on numerous occassions after falling down and someone finding her and calling an ambulance. It has affected the whole family, as my children have found her unconsious when getting back from school. She causes arguments and fights and brings things up that she wouldn’t whilst sober.
It’s a terrible thing to live with a drunk and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I have seen this with a few members of my family over the years and none of them have stopped until they are dead. Drunks are liars and cheats and when in the mood will do anything to get a drink. It’s the same as being a drug addict. If alchohol was introduced now it would be a class A drug. It kills and affects more people than smoking ever will.
(SCOTLAND) I have been married for 15 years and over that time my husband has progressively gotten worse with his drinking, so much so, that I’ve had to lock all the drink in the shed. Unfortunately he got the key this morning and drank a 1/4 bottle of vodka in 2 minutes.
I am now clinically depressed and on medication and find myself crying all the time struggling to cope with the loneliness of an evening when he sleeping of the effects and the empty promises that he will control his drinking. I have slapped and punched him twice now and I’m very disgusted with myself that I allowed my frustration to come out this way.
(US) I see that being lonely is a common factor among all of us, no matter how young or old we are. I feel the same way, night after night of being alone as he is next to me (usually passed out by early evening). I think the lonesomeness is brutal. You love them and want them to want to spend time with you the way you do them and it hurts.
I start to wonder what is wrong with me. I can’t get him to admit anything. Half the time he lies to me about drinking. He will come home late and I know he has been drinking but I cannot accuse him because he will deny it and get mad at me or try to make me feel stupid. I don’t like it that he denies it half the time and the other half “he has it under control.”
(USA) Hello all- My heart goes out to each and every one of you. I myself am the wife of an alcoholic. We have 2 children and have been married almost 8 years. I finally decided to move out to my parents house in hopes that this will wake my husband up! At this very moment I’m sitting next to him. He is sound asleep from drinking too much in the home we’ve shared. I thought I’d check up on him.
He is still choosing his alcohol. I pray and encourage, then I yell and cry. I’ve written letters to him –our whole church has reached out. I don’t know what it’s going to take to gain back the man he was when I married him. His drinking has also left me and my boys very lonely –unsure where he was and when he’d come home. Worried if he can make our rent because of his irresponsible spending. And mostly –the lack of peace in my heart and home led me to move out.
I don’t want this, but if it’s what will wake him up then ill stick it out. If he continues this way –I’ll have to make myself very strong. The vows I took were in sickness and health and I meant them –but if he chooses to stay sick –what more can I do than pray?
When he drinks he is reckless, verbally abusive and truly detestable. I don’t want my boys to grow up seeing their father like that any longer. I didn’t get married to feel like a single mom –even when we loved together I carried all the burden of raising a family and providing –all while trying to keep our foundation on the Lord.
Reading your experiences makes me want to hug you all. Do not loose hope –God can move mountains. Do not grow weary –he can give you rest. I will keep you in my prayers tonight and please do the same for me. Regardless of what the alcoholics in our lives choose –we can make up our minds that we will live an abundant and happy life for our children and for ourselves. Thank you for being so open to sharing your trials –nothing is too difficult with the Lord. God bless!
(USA) We’ve been married 6 years. In the dating stage we had cocktails at dinner, one for me, six for him. I didn’t think much of him stopping the waitress for a refill. If we were out for the day, shopping, lunch, possibly dinner he would want a drink during early lunch, dinner, then again returning home to drink almost a bottle of wine, and possibly go out and get another bottle when that one was finished.
His personality changed, meaning he got sarcastic, and picky with me. I commented on how much he drank. His answer was, I work hard all week and wanted to unwind. During the week days returning home @ three days after driving (his profession) 10hrs a day he also had to unwind with about 1/2 bottle of whatever. I stopped accepting a glass of wine with him at dinner because I knew what was coming next. Cursing, picking an argument. I would go to the bedroom, close the door, and he would come in wanting to continue “so you think”, etc.
Finally going on vacations became a disaster, loud, slurring words, cursing at me. Family refused to return because he was verbally abusive while drinking. That’s my last straw. What am I to do? I’m seriously thinking about other options in this marriage. Talking with him about his drinking goes in one ear and out the other or he gets defensive when subject comes up.
(INDIA) My hubby is an alchohloc from last 12 years regularly. We have two kids. I told him so many times but he can’t quit. He abuses me as well as he hits me. We have lot of clash. What to do please help …
(US) I have been an alcoholic for two years. I am a 25 year old female amd have been with my fiance for three years total. I would get drunk nightly for the two year period and was usually nice, goofy, typical drunk but every now and then I would initiate fights that were blow outs. He does not drink.
We always got over the fights but after a most recent one he gave me the final, final ultimatum. I slept it off and apologized whole heartedly the next morning and have sworn off booze. He said he wanted us to go to therapy to which I also agreed. I am 100% committed to quitting for myself and our relationship. But even though we had a decent day yesterday, today he was totally clammed up, would barely talk or respond to me even though I was my bubbly non drunk self… My feelings were very hurt. We went to bed and he said nothing, we hadn’t talked for up to an hour prior to that… Again, I’m very hurt. He got up and went to the couch.. I followed and laid near him saying I couldn’t sleep either. He eventually got up and went back to bed… I guess he just doesn’t want to be around me.
Well, half an hour later he came storming downstairs and said I’ve ruined three years of his life with drinking and he doesn’t know how to act around me. He said I ruined the relationship, that I’m abusive, psychologically paranoid and “messed up because of childhood trauma” …it just goes on… I told him I’ve put my foot down on drinking, I’m happy to go to therapy but it seems that even though I’ve made the right decisions to change my life and our relationship for the better -I am still being beaten up for the past. I know the past has only ended two days ago but I wish he would be supportive (he says it’s not his job to be supportive because it’s my problem)… I’m ok with him not being supportive. I have a friend that ironically chose to go sober herself on the same day and we’ve been chatting about how our drinking has been a negative issue in our lives and so on…
Bottom line: I have made a stand for myself and us but he still beats me up verbally, curses my drinking issues that I’ve had, and is now saying he doesn’t know if he can get past this… Then he goes to say if he can’t get over it and we split then he has nothing to live for, is going to sell his house because he has so many memories of us, and then says I was the best thing that ever happened to him and have been the only bright spot in his life..
I’m horribly confused, emotionally hurt, and at a loss to understand it all.