Cincinnati (CNN) -- As he cradled his wife's limp body in his arms, Tim Delgado told himself, "You have to do this."
The fate of Alison, his wife, best friend and medical school classmate, depended on it. His usually steady hands quivered as he held her pale face steady and fumbled with the tools that could save her life. Her doe-eyes rolled to the back of her head.
Through tears, he said, "I'm sorry, babe."
Then, he stabbed her neck.
Alison's eyes shot open. She gurgled in pain and weakly clawed at the tracheotomy tube that pierced her throat.
It was November 21, 2010, and just a few minutes earlier, the newlyweds had climbed into bed. Married just six months and focused on their careers, the couple hadn't even had time to pick out wedding photos to frame for their new house. Now all that -- and more -- would be put on hold.
They were getting ready to sleep when an aneurysm ruptured in Alison's brain, triggering a violent seizure.
Without an airway tube to help her breathe, she could have choked on her own vomit and died. For Tim, a second-year medical resident, jamming a tube in his wife's neck without drugs "was the most difficult thing I ever had to do."
What Tim Delgado experienced that night ranks as one of the greatest fears of people in the field of medicine -- that someday, the life they must save will be a loved one's.
Incredibly, it was the second time Alison's life depended on Tim -- and on this day, he was going to keep his cool.
A bad first date
For Alison, the night of her seizure is a blur. She doesn't recall the tracheotomy tube -- and it's probably better that way.
Alison links her arm with her husband's on the couple's couch in their home in Cincinnati. On the wall above them, framed photographs chronicle the Delgados' adventures: the New Mexico mountains they climbed together, road trips to Wyoming, family gatherings.
Five years ago, Tim took note of his medical school classmate, Alison Bedingfield. A lifelong runner, Alison carried her lithe frame gracefully. She seemed easygoing to Tim. Her friends affectionately called her Ali-B.
After microbiology lab one day, Tim asked her out.
She agreed. He took her to the school gym.
"That was really dumb," he says now, sheepishly. "It wasn't really a date."
They treaded side-by-side on the elliptical machines and talked.
The experience left Alison with a strong impression: Tim was "very intense."
With dark eyes and closely cropped hair, Tim exuded energy. After a 12-hour shift in the hospital, he sometimes cycled for five hours. One summer, he followed the Tour de France course behind the pros.
With its fast pace and high pressure, medicine was perfect for him.
It also fit Alison's high-achieving personality.
She was raised on cross-country running and the Midwestern value of hard work. She won the first marathon she ever ran. And she breezed through college, graduating early and entering the University Of Cincinnati College of Medicine in her hometown.
Tim walked away from the first date with an impression, too: She was also intense. But he hesitated to ask her out again, because she seemed "too nice."
A few months passed. Alison went on a medical students' white water rafting trip -- organized by Tim.
At last, they realized how much they shared in common: They were two future doctors constantly on the move: Alison a runner, and Tim an avid cyclist. They were a team.
Tim introduced Alison to sushi and taught her to use chopsticks. During long nights before exams, they huddled in a cold study hall, draped in blankets, and pored over their textbooks toting a space heater and French press coffee maker.
In 2008, he dropped to one knee after a grueling bike ride up Lookout Mountain in Colorado and asked her to marry him.
"We always said we're a team," Alison said. "That was our extra vows. We're a team and stay a team."
They married last May and started their new life together in a two-story white house on a quiet cul-de-sac.
Alison, 27, became a pediatrics resident at the Cincinnati Children's Hospital Medical Center. Tim, 31, landed an emergency medicine residency at University Hospital in Cincinnati.
He trained as a flight physician working in the emergency department. The high-stakes job involves taking care of patients in helicopters during the precious minutes between life and death.
Tim was chosen for the competitive program because "he's imperturbable," said Dr. William Hinckley, Air Medical director at University Hospital. "He always keeps cool."
A rare encounter
The shift began much like many others in the emergency room. A few chest pains. Stomachaches. A woman who had accidentally stabbed her eye with a coat hanger.
Tim tended to patients on that "mundane day," October 16, as electrocardiograms bleeped, phones rang, and patients shuffled back and forth from their rooms.
Around 5 o'clock, the radio crackled, summoning him to the helicopter pad.
"20-year-old cyclist struck by car. Female. Head injury."
The victim had already been moved from the accident scene to a small hospital. Her injuries were extensive. She needed the more sophisticated resources of a facility like University Hospital, nine miles away.
Tim rushed to the helicopter, his mind racing. He was still new to flying, with only 25 to 30 flights behind him, but he was joined by Deb Jump, a flight nurse with 10 years' experience.
It took them just seven minutes to arrive at Mercy Hospital. They rushed to the patient's side.
Tim glanced at her vital signs. She was in a coma. Her breathing was slow; her heart rate low. High blood pressure indicated an increasing strain on her brain.
Her head was cushioned between two blocks with a collar to keep her neck steady. A breathing tube was in her mouth.
As Tim assessed the situation, the patient's cycling uniform caught his eye. She wore a blue, yellow and green jersey that read "Team Hungry."
That's my cycling team, he thought.
His eyes inched up to the patient's face. He stepped back.
The accident had mangled her jaw and splattered blood across her chin.
"This is my wife," he said.
The biggest fear
Silence fell over the room.
Tim felt like he had been "stabbed in the gut." He leaned down to Alison and wept.
She had gone for a bike ride that early evening on a winding road about 15 miles from their home. A Hyundai Sonata turned left at an intersection and careened into Alison. The impact catapulted her over the car roof, breaking her jaw, collarbone and sternum, and bruising her heart and lungs.
The driver, cited for failure to yield, had waited with Alison for the ambulance.
Now, the bleeding inside her skull was putting pressure on her brain. She needed to be transported immediately.
"Deb, we have to get her to the university fast," Tim said, through tears, to the nurse. "We have to get her there."
Jump nodded in agreement.
"I know, but we can't fly her there. You can't be her doc."
Neither nursing school nor medical school had prepared them for this situation. There is no protocol for what to do when your spouse is your patient. The veteran nurse knew Tim was in no shape to take care of Alison.
She called for another helicopter.
Tim staggered out of the emergency room to regain his composure. Then his doctor's instincts kicked in.
Alison needed sedatives to relax her brain. He walked back into the emergency room and, through tears, began ordering the drugs. Frazzled, he didn't realize he was recommending the wrong dose. Nurses silently administered the correct amount.
His mind swirled in a thousand directions. He called his sister but couldn't find the words to explain what happened.
Finally, another helicopter touched down. And with it, another doctor.
On the brink
Doctors didn't expect her to survive the first night.
She had hemorrhaging in the brain. A scan showed two aneurysms, or ballooning in the artery walls. It wasn't clear whether they existed before the accident or were caused by it.
That night, as their families swarmed the hospital, Tim lay exhausted on the waiting room floor. He told his older sister that Alison couldn't die. He was too young to be widowed.
They had more mountains to climb, a whole life awaiting them.
Tim had proposed to Alison during a mountain bike ride. Their life together wasn't supposed to end because of a cycling trip.
Waking up
Little by little, the swelling in Alison's head decreased. The internal bleeding in her brain stopped. Alison had worn a helmet, and doctors believe that protected her.
Five days after the accident, she awoke from the coma. She was delirious and agitated; she tried to crawl out of bed and pull out her feeding tubes.
Grateful his wife was alive, Tim's concerns shifted to the next challenge. She couldn't move her right arm. Sometimes, she slurred her words and confused Tim's name with her brother's.
"My biggest fear was that she would be neurologically devastated and lose the ability to communicate," Tim says, "that she wasn't going to be able to live the life that she worked so hard for."
But there was reason to hope.
After two weeks, Alison achieved a small but significant milestone: She clutched a spoon in her right hand and fed herself soup. Delighted by her progress, Tim told her, "Ali, I love you."
"I wuv you, too," she replied.
Alison remained hospitalized for 15 days, then transferred to an inpatient traumatic brain injury clinic. There, over the course of weeks, she relearned motor skills, regained her hand-eye coordination and taught herself words using children's flashcards on an iPad.
Since her accident, Alison has had 12 surgeries to her brain, chest and jaw. Tim took a three-month leave to care for her.
Alison's biggest setback was the seizure she had in November that forced her husband to insert the breathing tube. That incident put her back in the hospital for three weeks.
She returned to the hospital Tuesday for a surgery to clip an aneurysm in her brain that may have existed before the accident. They hope to be back home soon, and Alison plans to return to her medical career in May.
To improve her physical strength, the Delgados spend two hours a day working out with arm bands, treadmills and balance balls.
They wear matching Vibram rubber shoes that squish against the gym floor.
In one of her exercises, Alison gingerly stands on a rubber balance ball. Her husband protectively leans in, arms extended to catch her in case she falls.
"You don't need me anymore," he teases, as she stands tall and maintains her balance.
She smiles and pokes him in the chest. He nudges her right back.
Video produced by CNN's Jacque Wilson.
Self Introduction
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Hi
I’ve been in a relationship for three years now. I’m currently 19 years old. At 16 I fell in love with the most amazing man. In the months before we met I had been experimenting with drugs, ecstasy. I had become highly addicted (a couple pills a day). I needed help. At my rock bottom he saved me. I sobered up. Unfortunately, in the months following I started having extreme panic attacks, which I blame on my previous drug use. Due to this I was hospitalized. I wanted to die. I was put on Prozac for depression. But even through all that he remained my biggest fan. In the year following this things were wonderful. We’d talk for hours. Three months after my 18th birthday and four months after his 21st birthday we were married. We had a small wedding at my parents home. Sadly, one month after getting married the physical abuse started. He pushed me onto the floor then he’d throw things at me it quicky escalated from there. The break down of our relationship blame on the fact that I was working two jobs at the time I was at work an average of 13 hours a day. I was also a full time college student. He worked a hard labor job. We were always tired and never saw each other. At the time we were living at his dads house. Eventually I could not take it anymore. I moved out and we were separated for three months. During our “separation” we saw each other almost everyday. We remained intimate. Eventually we reconciled. We got an apartment together and everything was great. It felt like a fresh start. But before the ink was even dry on the contract I found out through his Facebook that he had been denying to random girls and old girlfriend that he was even married! He even went as far as to tell an ex he loved her and that if she would of still lived in our hometown he would married her instead of me. She in turn told him she didn’t care if he was married and sent naked pictures through email. I feel apart and packed my things. Somehow he convinced me to stay. During our separation I also turned to a guy that I had a past with. We had been friends through out the years and I wanted a man’s point of view on who was right and wrong on certain arguments that my husband and I have had. That’s was all. He developed feelings for me. Out of fear that my husband would think wrong of me I deleted all messages and denied everything. It was the worst decision I ever made. Eventually he found out and to this day he swears I had an affair. I DID NOT. After this our relationship went even further down hill. He started smoking meth. He has had this addiction for about six years. Which I thought was under controlled but obviously not. By this time we had been married ten months. He wasn’t sleeping at all. He became very paraniod and violent with me. One night he had me cornered in our kitchen. He was hitting me on the head. After months of abuse I finally had enough. He was wearing a shirt I had bought him. It was his favorite shirt. I decided I’d cut a hole in it so he could never wear it again. In the process I got a small cut on my hand and his. He slapped me harder then I had ever been hit in the face. Two minutes later the police was there. We both tried to down play each others involvement but it didn’t work. We were both arrested for domestic abuse. After bailing out I wanted to get help for him. We dropped our lives and moved to California with his mom. While we were out their we reconnected. He sobered up. Soon we moved back home. The problems and struggles of daily life got to us once again. We still haven’t been able to rebuilt any trust. At this time we have been married one year five months. The physical abuse is still going on. He is extremely remorseful after he hits me. We no longer sleep in the same bed, we are rarely intimate, we have as little communication as possible and he also refuses to delete naked pictures from his email! I dont know what to do I love this man. I feel that he is depressed. I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I want to help him. I love him with all my heart and i know deep inside he is a great man. I feel that their is love for me as well in him. In my comment I know it seems I am placing all blame on him but I have many faults of my own. I’m not ready to give on my marriage I need advise! I do not have money to get professional help. Any comments welcomed.
Im so confused. After 26 years of marriage I feel Im done! We have been through so much and Im not a saint. But Im tried of carrying all the responsibility and burdens of our life. He is medically disabled and not capable fo doing somethings but he uses it as an excuse to do hardly NOTHING!! I do all cleaning, planning, pay of the bills and making sure everything to done. Not to mention a have a full time job and a wonderful grandbaby! I have come to realize that Im doing anything very well and so frustrated with him and self destruction. His depression is deep partially because of disabilities. I have lost both of my parents because of self destruction. I cant watch another love one lose or take their life. so lost…..
Once you partner stops caring you know things are pretty much over
I feel that my spouse just wants to controll me. I feel he does not hav respect for mx talents and abilities, my aspirations and dreams, my strength and individuality. For that mere fact i feel he does not deserve me. Am realy tired of trying to get his validation.
You should be alarmed if you have been observing these signs from your partner that he or she is ending your relationship. This is an indication that your marriage is already falling apart and you need to do something before its too late. You could seek some help from psychologist so that you can save your marriage.
My ex-husband had a long term affair with a woman from work for several years. He had a baby with another women when we were only married for two years. He never cooked or cleaned until a coworker started cooking lunch for me, after 20 years of marriage, no matter how often I asked him. Then he accused me of having an affair with the coworker who prepared lunch for me and told all of our friends that I was having an affair. He put antifreeze in the water bottle I keep in the refrigerator to drink after my walk. When I confronted him he grabbed the water bottle out of my hand and the antifreeze and left the house. When he came back he did not have my water bottle or the antifreeze and told me no one would ever believe me. Many times I received calls from work or from his sister wondering where he was and lecturing me on how he was being irresponsible by consistently being absent when he was supposed to be there. He never gave me or the kids a gift for Christmas or our birthdays and charged lingerie from Victoria Secrets to our joint account. He also took all the money saved from our 20 year marriage and put in a his own personal account. He took the money from our brokerage account as well and I was unable to find it. He took all the money from our kids college funds and spent it. I would say these were pretty good signs that the marriage was over before it even started. It was a shame it took me 20 years to wise up.
Sheryl I can feel it deep in me, you sounded like my autobiography and you have given me moral support without knowing it. Thanks.
What about a spouse that leaves their partner financially destitute?
Abandoning the couples finances, refusing to share responsibility in the relationship, and pursuing single person lifestyle is a red flag to me. Could someone really be so aloof (outside of mental illness), to think these actions will be accepted in a marriage?
I don’t think so, and I chance to say it’s a warning sign that the person’s selfish actions reveal a desire to be single again. Lying and hiding these actions may show shame, and desire to repair, but it can also illuminate the partner’s unwillingness to change, stop, or be responsible any longer. A desire for the other spouse to find out about the actions, and leave them first in a bid to avoid responsibility. It may seem rare or covert, but I know so many couples who have experienced this! The selfish partner appears sorry, but then once ordered to pay child support or repay absconded money,
they simply leave town and jobs to avoid garnished wages. The immature “moocher” then whines how awful the marriage was to family, friends, and new love interests. Sound familiar?
How do counselors view this category of spouses? What can be done to avoid it? Once the warning signs are present is it too late?
Sheryl,
Thanks for sharing about your marriage here – it sounds like your marriage is over in one way, but not in another! I agree that we teach our spouses how to treat us. And, it really is a slippery slope.
Checking out emotionally is one way you know that your spouse is ending the relationship. Your marriage is over when you’re not emotionally invested.
Just adding my 2cents… My 19yr old marriage has had a fork in it for quite some time. I’d gotten to a point of marital ambivalence and realized I was never going to love him and I’d never have the relationship I wanted with him. I was young and insecure when I dove into an extremly verbally and emotionally abusive marriage. I spent over 10yrs meeting his needs and doing what I was told. (take my boots off, get me another plate of food, why can’t you keep this house clean you skanky B…, Your wortless piece of sh**) It was pretty bad for me and the kids. But I believe a person can change if they want to bad enough. And I believe he’s in the process of real and permanent change but I could care less. I checked out emotionally a very long time ago with no desire to check back in. The bullet has left the gun but my finger is still on the trigger.
Here’s my personal signs my marriage is over:
I don’t have any desire to respond to his caring attempts
I begun sleeping in the guest room because I didn’t want to be in the same bed with him anymore.
I discourage him from going places with me (shopping etc).
I have fun and enjoy time with my son but as soon as my husband gets involve I leave the situation
I stopped telling him details or sharing stories with him
His attempts to do things for me such as help with housework have absolutely no affect on me.
I’ve forgiven him. I brought dysfunction in to this marriage also (codependency). I spent over 13years trying to change him (there’s the codep. in me lol) He’s a product of his childhood as am I. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less and doesn’t mean we have to stay in the marriage. I’m no longer angry or hurt. Nor do I feel shame or guilt for how I feel towards him now. Mentally I’ve made peace with what’s happened. I taught him how to treat me and I enabled him. But there’s simply been too much damage. I have no desire to even think about liking him. I’m investing all my energy on my recovery and attempting to help my 12yr old son learn healthy ways to deal with his negative emotions. I’ve got a long way to go. I continue to tell myself “progress not perfection”
Also – a husband recently commented that he had an affair, and he still loves the other woman. He wants to rebuild his marriage, but is having trouble detaching from his bed buddy. Here’s the article I wrote for him:
How to Revive a Stale Marriage – 4 Tips for Love Gone Cold
It’s for men who can’t let go of their affairs.