scary terrible people only scold scold scold our families Stupid like a dog .... since i can't let him stay home, paying moneys, i only walking ATM , and empty now .... they asking me go away ..m want money ask from mom not him... reasons he can't pay me but still enjoy beer with buddies
i give up
this marriage , please help me find, lawyer
I lived in the darkness threatening me killing me , my families ... i really scared ... drunk mad man
Is my fault made him angry ,
i don't want him find anyone troubles
please don't control or query him or his dad anymore
I hope to move out By December and don't hope to stay with beer man
I already gave him many chances and yet he never appreciated. Mother wants us settle ourselves Not involve others. This is why i will try to settle myself here if worse will let you know if he not tolerate.
Always drunk home, find me troubles pinch me, bang doors dunno who made him angry and i ask him stop scolding me pig or dog , he said won't let me live happily from now on. What's his friends saying are true, wife is 祸水，狗都不如
His friends are good and I'm bull shit, go and die.
Before He went out force me borrow him money and card.. I also gave him to avoid problems and he promised home 4am+but maybe go second round reached home 6+
Im high fever he still go out and accompanied his friends two days. I didn't say single words.
He said no one can stop him clubbing and control his life.
If i want divorce go ahead. And sure will sue me saying i have affairs. Will fight against , i will lose the claims. Scolding Nonsense
Since he not treat me as wife, y i still here letting him insulting me.
我根本没有尊严
Cincinnati (CNN) -- As he cradled his wife's limp body in his arms, Tim Delgado told himself, "You have to do this."
The fate of Alison, his wife, best friend and medical school classmate, depended on it. His usually steady hands quivered as he held her pale face steady and fumbled with the tools that could save her life. Her doe-eyes rolled to the back of her head.
Through tears, he said, "I'm sorry, babe."
Then, he stabbed her neck.
Alison's eyes shot open. She gurgled in pain and weakly clawed at the tracheotomy tube that pierced her throat.
It was November 21, 2010, and just a few minutes earlier, the newlyweds had climbed into bed. Married just six months and focused on their careers, the couple hadn't even had time to pick out wedding photos to frame for their new house. Now all that -- and more -- would be put on hold.
They were getting ready to sleep when an aneurysm ruptured in Alison's brain, triggering a violent seizure.
Without an airway tube to help her breathe, she could have choked on her own vomit and died. For Tim, a second-year medical resident, jamming a tube in his wife's neck without drugs "was the most difficult thing I ever had to do."
What Tim Delgado experienced that night ranks as one of the greatest fears of people in the field of medicine -- that someday, the life they must save will be a loved one's.
Incredibly, it was the second time Alison's life depended on Tim -- and on this day, he was going to keep his cool.
A bad first date
For Alison, the night of her seizure is a blur. She doesn't recall the tracheotomy tube -- and it's probably better that way.
Alison links her arm with her husband's on the couple's couch in their home in Cincinnati. On the wall above them, framed photographs chronicle the Delgados' adventures: the New Mexico mountains they climbed together, road trips to Wyoming, family gatherings.
Alison and Tim Delgado started dating after their first year in medical school.
Five years ago, Tim took note of his medical school classmate, Alison Bedingfield. A lifelong runner, Alison carried her lithe frame gracefully. She seemed easygoing to Tim. Her friends affectionately called her Ali-B.
After microbiology lab one day, Tim asked her out.
She agreed. He took her to the school gym.
"That was really dumb," he says now, sheepishly. "It wasn't really a date."
They treaded side-by-side on the elliptical machines and talked.
The experience left Alison with a strong impression: Tim was "very intense."
With dark eyes and closely cropped hair, Tim exuded energy. After a 12-hour shift in the hospital, he sometimes cycled for five hours. One summer, he followed the Tour de France course behind the pros.
With its fast pace and high pressure, medicine was perfect for him.
It also fit Alison's high-achieving personality.
Even though Tim Delgado took Alison Bedingfield to the school gym on their first date, he got a second date.
She was raised on cross-country running and the Midwestern value of hard work. She won the first marathon she ever ran. And she breezed through college, graduating early and entering the University Of Cincinnati College of Medicine in her hometown.
Tim walked away from the first date with an impression, too: She was also intense. But he hesitated to ask her out again, because she seemed "too nice."
A few months passed. Alison went on a medical students' white water rafting trip -- organized by Tim.
At last, they realized how much they shared in common: They were two future doctors constantly on the move: Alison a runner, and Tim an avid cyclist. They were a team.
Tim introduced Alison to sushi and taught her to use chopsticks. During long nights before exams, they huddled in a cold study hall, draped in blankets, and pored over their textbooks toting a space heater and French press coffee maker.
In 2008, he dropped to one knee after a grueling bike ride up Lookout Mountain in Colorado and asked her to marry him.
"We always said we're a team," Alison said. "That was our extra vows. We're a team and stay a team."
Tim Delgado proposed to Alison on top of Lookout Mountain in Golden, Colorado, after a grueling bike ride.
They married last May and started their new life together in a two-story white house on a quiet cul-de-sac.
Alison, 27, became a pediatrics resident at the Cincinnati Children's Hospital Medical Center. Tim, 31, landed an emergency medicine residency at University Hospital in Cincinnati.
He trained as a flight physician working in the emergency department. The high-stakes job involves taking care of patients in helicopters during the precious minutes between life and death.
Tim was chosen for the competitive program because "he's imperturbable," said Dr. William Hinckley, Air Medical director at University Hospital. "He always keeps cool."
A rare encounter
The shift began much like many others in the emergency room. A few chest pains. Stomachaches. A woman who had accidentally stabbed her eye with a coat hanger.
After a slow day in the emergency department, Tim Delgado was excited to be called to the helicopter.
Tim tended to patients on that "mundane day," October 16, as electrocardiograms bleeped, phones rang, and patients shuffled back and forth from their rooms.
Around 5 o'clock, the radio crackled, summoning him to the helicopter pad.
"20-year-old cyclist struck by car. Female. Head injury."
The victim had already been moved from the accident scene to a small hospital. Her injuries were extensive. She needed the more sophisticated resources of a facility like University Hospital, nine miles away.
Tim rushed to the helicopter, his mind racing. He was still new to flying, with only 25 to 30 flights behind him, but he was joined by Deb Jump, a flight nurse with 10 years' experience.
It took them just seven minutes to arrive at Mercy Hospital. They rushed to the patient's side.
Tim glanced at her vital signs. She was in a coma. Her breathing was slow; her heart rate low. High blood pressure indicated an increasing strain on her brain.
Deb Jump, an Air Care nurse, said the flight was the worst she has had in 10 years.
Her head was cushioned between two blocks with a collar to keep her neck steady. A breathing tube was in her mouth.
As Tim assessed the situation, the patient's cycling uniform caught his eye. She wore a blue, yellow and green jersey that read "Team Hungry."
That's my cycling team, he thought.
His eyes inched up to the patient's face. He stepped back.
The accident had mangled her jaw and splattered blood across her chin.
"This is my wife," he said.
The biggest fear
Silence fell over the room.
Tim felt like he had been "stabbed in the gut." He leaned down to Alison and wept.
She had gone for a bike ride that early evening on a winding road about 15 miles from their home. A Hyundai Sonata turned left at an intersection and careened into Alison. The impact catapulted her over the car roof, breaking her jaw, collarbone and sternum, and bruising her heart and lungs.
The driver, cited for failure to yield, had waited with Alison for the ambulance.
Now, the bleeding inside her skull was putting pressure on her brain. She needed to be transported immediately.
"Deb, we have to get her to the university fast," Tim said, through tears, to the nurse. "We have to get her there."
Alison Delgado had broken bones in her neck, bruised lungs and heart, and brain injuries.
Jump nodded in agreement.
"I know, but we can't fly her there. You can't be her doc."
Neither nursing school nor medical school had prepared them for this situation. There is no protocol for what to do when your spouse is your patient. The veteran nurse knew Tim was in no shape to take care of Alison.
She called for another helicopter.
Tim staggered out of the emergency room to regain his composure. Then his doctor's instincts kicked in.
Alison needed sedatives to relax her brain. He walked back into the emergency room and, through tears, began ordering the drugs. Frazzled, he didn't realize he was recommending the wrong dose. Nurses silently administered the correct amount.
His mind swirled in a thousand directions. He called his sister but couldn't find the words to explain what happened.
Finally, another helicopter touched down. And with it, another doctor.
On the brink
Doctors didn't expect her to survive the first night.
Alison Delgado has some issues thinking of the right words.
She had hemorrhaging in the brain. A scan showed two aneurysms, or ballooning in the artery walls. It wasn't clear whether they existed before the accident or were caused by it.
That night, as their families swarmed the hospital, Tim lay exhausted on the waiting room floor. He told his older sister that Alison couldn't die. He was too young to be widowed.
They had more mountains to climb, a whole life awaiting them.
Tim had proposed to Alison during a mountain bike ride. Their life together wasn't supposed to end because of a cycling trip.
Waking up
Little by little, the swelling in Alison's head decreased. The internal bleeding in her brain stopped. Alison had worn a helmet, and doctors believe that protected her.
Five days after the accident, she awoke from the coma. She was delirious and agitated; she tried to crawl out of bed and pull out her feeding tubes.
Grateful his wife was alive, Tim's concerns shifted to the next challenge. She couldn't move her right arm. Sometimes, she slurred her words and confused Tim's name with her brother's.
"My biggest fear was that she would be neurologically devastated and lose the ability to communicate," Tim says, "that she wasn't going to be able to live the life that she worked so hard for."
But there was reason to hope.
After two weeks, Alison achieved a small but significant milestone: She clutched a spoon in her right hand and fed herself soup. Delighted by her progress, Tim told her, "Ali, I love you."
"I wuv you, too," she replied.
Alison remained hospitalized for 15 days, then transferred to an inpatient traumatic brain injury clinic. There, over the course of weeks, she relearned motor skills, regained her hand-eye coordination and taught herself words using children's flashcards on an iPad.
Since her accident, Alison has had 12 surgeries to her brain, chest and jaw. Tim took a three-month leave to care for her.
The Delgados exercise every day, working to restore Alison's strength.
Alison's biggest setback was the seizure she had in November that forced her husband to insert the breathing tube. That incident put her back in the hospital for three weeks.
She returned to the hospital Tuesday for a surgery to clip an aneurysm in her brain that may have existed before the accident. They hope to be back home soon, and Alison plans to return to her medical career in May.
To improve her physical strength, the Delgados spend two hours a day working out with arm bands, treadmills and balance balls.
They wear matching Vibram rubber shoes that squish against the gym floor.
In one of her exercises, Alison gingerly stands on a rubber balance ball. Her husband protectively leans in, arms extended to catch her in case she falls.
"You don't need me anymore," he teases, as she stands tall and maintains her balance.
She smiles and pokes him in the chest. He nudges her right back.
While I can’t tell you if your marriage is over, I can share a few signs your spouse may be leaving or ending your relationship.
Even if one stage of your marriage is over, it doesn’t necessarily mean your spouse wants to end the whole relationship. Marriages go through phases of love, ups and downs.
“In my work doing marriage coaching, I have noticed that very often the turning point in a marriage is when a couple hits rock bottom,” says marriage coach Mort Fertel, who offers an alternative to marriage counseling. “It’s not until they’ve been through the worst that things start to get better.”
Remember marriage coach Mort Fertel’s words: just because you’re struggling with problems in your relationship, doesn’t mean your marriage is headed for divorce court! The following issues may represent the end of one stage of your marriage….and may herald the beginning of a new, healthier chapter of life.
Your partner can’t see the reality of your marriage
If your spouse doesn’t understand how his actions are affecting you – and even worse, refuses to compromise – then your marriage will be difficult to rebuild. To rise from rock bottom, both partners have to see how their actions or inactions are affecting the relationship – and both partners have to be willing to work on it. If your spouse refuses to accept responsibility, then you have to decide if you want to stay in your marriage the way it is…or end it.
Your spouse sees how thing are, but doesn’t care
You can communicate until you’re blue in the face, but if your partner doesn’t care how you feel or whether the relationship is healthy, then perhaps it’s a sign your marriage is over. Marriage coach Mort Fertel says, “Ironically, communication techniques sometimes give people clarity that they don’t care what their spouse thinks or feels. They “got it,” but “it” doesn’t matter to them anymore.” Communication is secondary to caring.
You don’t connect with your spouse
When you first got married, you probably felt understood, heard, and connected with your partner. Time passes, and the stress of daily life and kids and jobs and money and house all take a toll…and you find that you’re not connecting anymore. This isn’t necessarily a sign your marriage is over – it just means you need to make the time and effort to reconnect. Read 10 Ways to Improve a Bad Relationship for tips on improving your relationship.
You have different visions of the future of your marriage
He wants a four million dollar home on oceanfront property; you want to live in a cottage in the country. He wants six children; you’d rather be childfree. He wants his mom and aunt to live with you in his four million dollar home; you can barely tolerate Christmas dinner together. To keep your marriage together, you need to agree on your vision as a couple or family – and put each other first (and your financial goals, parents, or careers second).
You’re not physically intimate (not always a sign your marriage is over)
This may not be a sure way to tell if your marriage is over — it depends on your physical and mental health – but if you have no love life to speak of, then you probably aren’t connecting on an intimate emotional and physical level. The less you connect, the less healthy your relationship is…and the more likely your spouse is ending the relationship.
When a Marriage is Over and a Spouse Ends the Relationship
You fight the “wrong” way in your marriage
If you can’t focus on the topic of your argument, opting instead to bring up past mistakes or reopen old wounds, then your marriage may be leaning towards “over.” The more past conflicts come into current arguments, the less healthy your marriage is. This may not be a certain sign your marriage is over, because it’s actually fairly easily remedied if both spouses are willing.
You partner cheats and wants to end the relationship
Many couples survive marital infidelity, and even have a stronger bond because of the cheating. Other couples split up right away, while other marriage limp along for years or decades…and the cheating partner remains unfaithful. Cheating in and of itself isn’t necessarily a way to tell if your marriage is over…it’s how the partners act after the infidelity that determines if they’ll stay together.
I’ve been in a relationship for three years now. I’m currently 19 years old. At 16 I fell in love with the most amazing man. In the months before we met I had been experimenting with drugs, ecstasy. I had become highly addicted (a couple pills a day). I needed help. At my rock bottom he saved me. I sobered up. Unfortunately, in the months following I started having extreme panic attacks, which I blame on my previous drug use. Due to this I was hospitalized. I wanted to die. I was put on Prozac for depression. But even through all that he remained my biggest fan. In the year following this things were wonderful. We’d talk for hours. Three months after my 18th birthday and four months after his 21st birthday we were married. We had a small wedding at my parents home. Sadly, one month after getting married the physical abuse started. He pushed me onto the floor then he’d throw things at me it quicky escalated from there. The break down of our relationship blame on the fact that I was working two jobs at the time I was at work an average of 13 hours a day. I was also a full time college student. He worked a hard labor job. We were always tired and never saw each other. At the time we were living at his dads house. Eventually I could not take it anymore. I moved out and we were separated for three months. During our “separation” we saw each other almost everyday. We remained intimate. Eventually we reconciled. We got an apartment together and everything was great. It felt like a fresh start. But before the ink was even dry on the contract I found out through his Facebook that he had been denying to random girls and old girlfriend that he was even married! He even went as far as to tell an ex he loved her and that if she would of still lived in our hometown he would married her instead of me. She in turn told him she didn’t care if he was married and sent naked pictures through email. I feel apart and packed my things. Somehow he convinced me to stay. During our separation I also turned to a guy that I had a past with. We had been friends through out the years and I wanted a man’s point of view on who was right and wrong on certain arguments that my husband and I have had. That’s was all. He developed feelings for me. Out of fear that my husband would think wrong of me I deleted all messages and denied everything. It was the worst decision I ever made. Eventually he found out and to this day he swears I had an affair. I DID NOT. After this our relationship went even further down hill. He started smoking meth. He has had this addiction for about six years. Which I thought was under controlled but obviously not. By this time we had been married ten months. He wasn’t sleeping at all. He became very paraniod and violent with me. One night he had me cornered in our kitchen. He was hitting me on the head. After months of abuse I finally had enough. He was wearing a shirt I had bought him. It was his favorite shirt. I decided I’d cut a hole in it so he could never wear it again. In the process I got a small cut on my hand and his. He slapped me harder then I had ever been hit in the face. Two minutes later the police was there. We both tried to down play each others involvement but it didn’t work. We were both arrested for domestic abuse. After bailing out I wanted to get help for him. We dropped our lives and moved to California with his mom. While we were out their we reconnected. He sobered up. Soon we moved back home. The problems and struggles of daily life got to us once again. We still haven’t been able to rebuilt any trust. At this time we have been married one year five months. The physical abuse is still going on. He is extremely remorseful after he hits me. We no longer sleep in the same bed, we are rarely intimate, we have as little communication as possible and he also refuses to delete naked pictures from his email! I dont know what to do I love this man. I feel that he is depressed. I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I want to help him. I love him with all my heart and i know deep inside he is a great man. I feel that their is love for me as well in him. In my comment I know it seems I am placing all blame on him but I have many faults of my own. I’m not ready to give on my marriage I need advise! I do not have money to get professional help. Any comments welcomed.
Im so confused. After 26 years of marriage I feel Im done! We have been through so much and Im not a saint. But Im tried of carrying all the responsibility and burdens of our life. He is medically disabled and not capable fo doing somethings but he uses it as an excuse to do hardly NOTHING!! I do all cleaning, planning, pay of the bills and making sure everything to done. Not to mention a have a full time job and a wonderful grandbaby! I have come to realize that Im doing anything very well and so frustrated with him and self destruction. His depression is deep partially because of disabilities. I have lost both of my parents because of self destruction. I cant watch another love one lose or take their life. so lost…..
I feel that my spouse just wants to controll me. I feel he does not hav respect for mx talents and abilities, my aspirations and dreams, my strength and individuality. For that mere fact i feel he does not deserve me. Am realy tired of trying to get his validation.
You should be alarmed if you have been observing these signs from your partner that he or she is ending your relationship. This is an indication that your marriage is already falling apart and you need to do something before its too late. You could seek some help from psychologist so that you can save your marriage.
My ex-husband had a long term affair with a woman from work for several years. He had a baby with another women when we were only married for two years. He never cooked or cleaned until a coworker started cooking lunch for me, after 20 years of marriage, no matter how often I asked him. Then he accused me of having an affair with the coworker who prepared lunch for me and told all of our friends that I was having an affair. He put antifreeze in the water bottle I keep in the refrigerator to drink after my walk. When I confronted him he grabbed the water bottle out of my hand and the antifreeze and left the house. When he came back he did not have my water bottle or the antifreeze and told me no one would ever believe me. Many times I received calls from work or from his sister wondering where he was and lecturing me on how he was being irresponsible by consistently being absent when he was supposed to be there. He never gave me or the kids a gift for Christmas or our birthdays and charged lingerie from Victoria Secrets to our joint account. He also took all the money saved from our 20 year marriage and put in a his own personal account. He took the money from our brokerage account as well and I was unable to find it. He took all the money from our kids college funds and spent it. I would say these were pretty good signs that the marriage was over before it even started. It was a shame it took me 20 years to wise up.
What about a spouse that leaves their partner financially destitute? Abandoning the couples finances, refusing to share responsibility in the relationship, and pursuing single person lifestyle is a red flag to me. Could someone really be so aloof (outside of mental illness), to think these actions will be accepted in a marriage? I don’t think so, and I chance to say it’s a warning sign that the person’s selfish actions reveal a desire to be single again. Lying and hiding these actions may show shame, and desire to repair, but it can also illuminate the partner’s unwillingness to change, stop, or be responsible any longer. A desire for the other spouse to find out about the actions, and leave them first in a bid to avoid responsibility. It may seem rare or covert, but I know so many couples who have experienced this! The selfish partner appears sorry, but then once ordered to pay child support or repay absconded money, they simply leave town and jobs to avoid garnished wages. The immature “moocher” then whines how awful the marriage was to family, friends, and new love interests. Sound familiar? How do counselors view this category of spouses? What can be done to avoid it? Once the warning signs are present is it too late?
Thanks for sharing about your marriage here – it sounds like your marriage is over in one way, but not in another! I agree that we teach our spouses how to treat us. And, it really is a slippery slope.
Checking out emotionally is one way you know that your spouse is ending the relationship. Your marriage is over when you’re not emotionally invested.
Just adding my 2cents… My 19yr old marriage has had a fork in it for quite some time. I’d gotten to a point of marital ambivalence and realized I was never going to love him and I’d never have the relationship I wanted with him. I was young and insecure when I dove into an extremly verbally and emotionally abusive marriage. I spent over 10yrs meeting his needs and doing what I was told. (take my boots off, get me another plate of food, why can’t you keep this house clean you skanky B…, Your wortless piece of sh**) It was pretty bad for me and the kids. But I believe a person can change if they want to bad enough. And I believe he’s in the process of real and permanent change but I could care less. I checked out emotionally a very long time ago with no desire to check back in. The bullet has left the gun but my finger is still on the trigger.
Here’s my personal signs my marriage is over: I don’t have any desire to respond to his caring attempts I begun sleeping in the guest room because I didn’t want to be in the same bed with him anymore. I discourage him from going places with me (shopping etc). I have fun and enjoy time with my son but as soon as my husband gets involve I leave the situation I stopped telling him details or sharing stories with him His attempts to do things for me such as help with housework have absolutely no affect on me.
I’ve forgiven him. I brought dysfunction in to this marriage also (codependency). I spent over 13years trying to change him (there’s the codep. in me lol) He’s a product of his childhood as am I. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less and doesn’t mean we have to stay in the marriage. I’m no longer angry or hurt. Nor do I feel shame or guilt for how I feel towards him now. Mentally I’ve made peace with what’s happened. I taught him how to treat me and I enabled him. But there’s simply been too much damage. I have no desire to even think about liking him. I’m investing all my energy on my recovery and attempting to help my 12yr old son learn healthy ways to deal with his negative emotions. I’ve got a long way to go. I continue to tell myself “progress not perfection”
Also – a husband recently commented that he had an affair, and he still loves the other woman. He wants to rebuild his marriage, but is having trouble detaching from his bed buddy. Here’s the article I wrote for him:
Does your spouse make promises that aren't kept? Does your spouse acknowledge that there are problems in your relationship but refuses to change behaviors or see a marriage counselor with you?
Growing Frustration
The frustration of your spouse's lack of follow through on good intentions, or saying one thing and then doing another, or breaking promises can slowly erode both the emotional and physical intimacy in your marriage.
This frustration can be heightened if your spouse refuses to seek marriage counseling with you.
What can you do when faced with a spouse who has a serious behavior (gambles, drinks, spends too much money, has a very negative attitude, can't keep a job, is emotionally or physically abusive, doesn't make time for the children or spouse, is unfaithful, etc.) that could potentially destroy your marriage and your spouse won't change, isn't willing to work on improving your marriage, or won't seek marriage counseling? Although it isn't easy to cope with this type of situation in a marriage, here's help on how you can deal with a difficult marriage when only one of you wants change.
No Easy Answers
There are no easy answers when your spouse can see no reason for change or doesn't want your marriage to change. Some situations can be dealt with and other situations are deal breakers.
Only you know what you can tolerate and still be emotionally healthy yourself.
Note: Do not endanger yourself or your children by remaining in an abusive situation.
You Can't Change Your Spouse
Accept that you can't change your spouse. You can only change yourself and your own reactions. Changing your own behavior may trigger your spouse to want to make changes.
Respond differently to difficult situations. If you've had the same argument over and over, state that you will not rehash the issue and leave the room. If you've not expressed your feelings previously, share how you feel with your spouse.
Know Yourself
Get to know yourself and look at your own attitudes, behaviors, expectations, hopes, dreams, memories, concerns, behavior triggers, fears, etc. Ask yourself how long you think you can stay in your marriage if things don't improve. Consider individual counseling to prevent feeling depressed or helpless, to understand your role in the conflict in your marriage, and to clarify your plans for your future.
Decide which of your spouse's negative behaviors you can live with and which ones are deal breakers. Decide if you are able to adjust to the irritating and hurtful situations in your marriage or not.
Face The Issues
Realize that your spouse may not be as frustrated and unhappy as you are.
While sharing your love for your spouse, express your concerns and fears about the future of your marriage. If you are having doubts about your love, make a list of what you love about your partner.
Don't postpone having a conversation with your spouse to identify the behaviors and face the issues that are creating problems in your marriage.
What do you do when your spouse is drinking too much and it is affecting your lives together in a negative way? Do you continue to close your eyes to what’s going on and hope that someday he/she will finally wake up to the problems this behavior is causing? If you’ve “been there” and “have done that”, the question is: “How’s that been working for you so far?”
Do you yell and scream and try to shame him/her into stopping this behavior? Same question applies: “How’s that been working for you so far?”
And then there are the excuses — you’ve probably heard a million of them! “I drink to forget” “I feel better when I drink” “I’ve tried to ‘get on the wagon’ …’every time I fail’” and more.
“Alcoholics offer many excuses — ‘Drinking makes me feel better,’ ‘It calms me down,’ ‘I’m more fun when I’m drunk’ and more — but these explanations only skim the surface of the deeper issues that usually drive and fuel a drinking problem.” (Ashley Michael, from article titled “But I’ve Got Reasons” posted on Troubled with.com)
And what about the promises your spouse has made that “things will be different?” (That is, if you’ve even received such promises!) Perhaps you can relate to the following comments that came from a wife whose husband has a drinking problem:
“I couldn’t count the times Bob promised he would never drink again. That must be the most frustrating part of the experience — having Bob look me straight in the eye and tell me he’s through — really done with bingeing. He’d say, ‘I’ve seen how it hurts you and the kids, and I’ve had it. I promise you that I’ll never do it again!’
“Then in a day or two he was dead drunk. I thought he was lying to me. How could he love me and lie so many times to my face? But he wasn’t lying. He couldn’t keep his promise. Bob thought he could whip this problem with willpower. It’s like trying to stop diarrhea by making up your mind to do so.” (From the Focus on the Family Question and Answer article “If my husband drinks a lot but doesn’t get drunk, is he an alcoholic?“)
That’s not the most inviting word picture to think about, but it has some truth to it, don’t you think? Your spouse may have good intentions but he/she is in a state of denial both mentally (not facing the truth) and in a state of denial physically (where the needs of the body deny him or her the ability to stop reaching for another drink unless he/she has serious help).
It’s difficult to talk to someone who is in a continual state of denial, as well. That is why you often need help to know how to best work with the situation you have been handed. It comes down to the fact that when you are dealing with a person who is a heavy drinker —particularly if he or she is is drinking at the time, you aren’t speaking to your spouse so much as you are the alcohol he/she is using for numbing purposes — to cope with life in an unhealthy manner.
When you are trying to deal with this type of dysfunctional partner you truly need wisdom and help from someone who isn’t so close to the situation and can give you objective advice.
“A comment I often have clients, who are frustrated with a dysfunctional partner, repeat back to me is: ‘Do not expect functional behavior from a dysfunctional person.’
“Learning to get our expectations in line with reality is a first step in dealing with reality. We are often the first person that needs a change of perspective. In therapy we call this ‘re-framing’ the situation.” (Delores Stone, Counselor)
You need to “get real” within yourself and with your spouse. To help you with this, please click onto the web site links below:
So, in light of what’s been discussed so far, you may find the following advice from author Angie Lewis, to be helpful:
“Detach With Love. Be loving and supportive of the person you married, not the alcoholic. Don’t take any of the emotional garbage they dish out while drinking. Have you noticed how when your spouse drinks they start to berate you and want to start arguments? Don’t argue or fight back. Let them know you will not argue with them while they are drinking, period.
“Above all, never allow the alcoholic to trespass against your spirit when they are playing one of their mind games. Walk away and close the door behind you. Go visit a friend, take a walk around the block, or put some ear plugs in your ears. Your mental health is what helps the alcoholic the most. This is what detaching with love is all about. Detaching yourself from the disease is what helps the alcoholic see that he needs help.”
To read more, please click onto the following web site link to read:
“Alcoholism is a Family Disease. “This means that we are all affected by the substance abuse of a loved one. Not only are we affected; we play our OWN part in the continuation and manifestation of the disease. Our marriage, our family, is like a mobile. Each of us has our own little piece of the delicately balanced structure. Every action on any of our parts shakes the mobile. Tenuous balance quickly becomes imbalanced, shaken up, disrupted. Our role as spouses, children, friends on this mobile is just as powerful as that of the alcoholic’s.
“I believe this awareness is the first key in coping understanding that we play an equal part in the drama of living with an alcoholic. We are either part of the problem, or part of the solution with every word we speak, every secret we keep, every action we take, every action we avoid taking.”
To read more, please click onto the following web site link:
“If you are not in any danger, continue to encourage your spouse to get help. Do not make it seem as though you are lecturing them though, they will rebel and continue in their disastrous ways. Find a support group, go to Al-anon meetings, and learn all you can about addictions. When they are willing to admit they have a problem, find places they can turn to for help in getting better. Coping with an alcoholic spouse can tremendously take a toll on you and your family.”
And it can, as you know.
To read more of Melinda’s story, please click onto the following web site link:
After all of this, you wonder, will the information help me? Is there hope for my spouse? To read the encouraging answer, please click onto the Focus on the Family web site link to read their response to the question:
We realize we have given you A LOT of information to pray about and consider. We want you to know that we pray the Lord opens the doors of heaven and pours out His Spirit within you and your home, and speaks powerfully to your spouse.
To give you some type of direction where you can get help, the following are a few helpful organizations you may be able to contact (we realize that they are not available to help in every country, but for some of you, they may be able to help in some way):
What do you do when your spouse is drinking too much and it is affecting your lives together in a very negative way?
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The following came from a wife whose husband appeared to have a drinking problem. Can you relate?
“I couldn’t count the times Bob promised he would never drink again. That must be the most frustrating part of the experience — having Bob look me straight in the eye and tell me he’s through — really done with bingeing. He’d say, ‘I’ve seen how it hurts you and the kids, and I’ve had it. I promise you that I’ll never do it again!’
“Then in a day or two he was dead drunk. I thought he was lying to me. How could he love me and lie so many times to my face? But he wasn’t lying. He couldn’t keep his promise. Bob thought he could whip this problem with willpower. It’s like trying to stop diarrhea by making up your mind to do so.” (From the Question and Answer article “If My Husband Drinks A Lot But Doesn’t Get Drunk, Is He An Alcoholic?”)
That’s not the most inviting word picture to think about, but it has some truth to it, don’t you think?
The above article was written by Cindy Wright of Marriage Missions International.
If you have additional tips you can share to help others in this area of marriage, or you want to share requests for prayer and/or ask others for advice, please “Join the Discussion” by adding your comments below.
(USA) My husband’s thoughts of a good time always revolve around going out to eat, a few drinks and then out to another bar with more alcohol. I’ve often asked to do healthy things such as hiking, walking etc, maybe a movie and sometimes we may, but most of the time it involves alcohol!
He never sees a problem with drinking until intoxicated which sometimes causes fights. Sensitive issues may be brought up that probably wouldn’t have arisen if no alcohol was involved! His father was an alcoholic who told his boys once to beware of alcohol, but no one ever seems to think they are effected, only having a good time is all. Sometimes it’s difficult to be with someone who is under the influence!!
(SOUTH AFRICA) I know what you going through… I don’t go with my husband… he goes out the whole night. He is not aggressive when he’s drunk… the only problem is that if I try to talk about his whole night drinking… it ultimately ends in a fight and then he will deliberately go off again. He usually has intentions of coming home earlier but he can’t stop once he has started. He needs to be completely out if it before he can stop.
I find it frustrating because he is not a man that can talk… he is a very quiet man. He doesn’t disclose anything that disturbs him/worries him etc… not only referring to us… but generally. He will never just show the next person the true state of his heart. This is my frustration because even when I try to talk to him about our problems he just doesn’t respond (he sorts of goes into a shell) or else he’ll get defensive to shut me out. I don’t know what to do as well.
(TANZANIA) Geraldine and Lizabeth, sorry for what’s happening to you both. I pray that things change into a better situation. I fully understand your problems. My hubby is also a drinking person who always promises to stop but doesn’t.
It really hurts me a lot when he comes home late (midnight) from Monday to Sunday. We can’t discuss anything that’s productive for the family or if there are any important issues then we have to communicate by phone. When both of us are away to our work during the day time, there is no chance.
The truth is, I still love him with all my heart. I pray and do so many sacrifices do draw him close to me but he’s still the same. I always miss him. The kids (3sons) miss him so much but he’s just not with family. At times when he’s at home, I try my level best to make him happy and also be available whenever he wants me close to him. I’ve also discussed with him several times how he could stop his alcoholism but I’ve gained nothing more than the promise to stop the behaviour- an event which hasn’t happened to date.
I haven’t given up waiting for the day that he will change his alcoholism behaviour. So Elizabeth, and Geraldine, please lets join hands through prayer without forgeting praying and loving our hubbys in every possible ways while trusting “ONE TIME GOD WILL REMEMBER US”.
(PAKISTAN) I am facing the same problem. My husband drinks and becomes abusive; it seems like I am the worst person on earth for him. I get really disturbed. I have a daughter who is 9 months. What example will he set for her? It really gets so bad he doesn’t really know what he is saying and he expects me to be all OK the next morning. Please advise as to what to do in such a situation.
(USA) My husband is a very good provider but some week nights he drinks a whole bottle of wine by himself and binge drinks on weekends. He says he works hard and should be allowed to relax. When he is sober, he is a good husband and a good father to our 2 boys. The problem is when he gets drunk and in front of the children. At parties, he is always the most drunk and gives loud (often angry) speeches over religion and politics and embarasses me. Often, he starts an arguement with me when we get home (again, in front of the kids). The next morning, he doesn’t remember a thing. He also gets angry when I try to talk to him about how much he drinks. I don’t want to leave him, but he’s driving me to that point. Help!
(USA) Cindy, I’ve been married for 27 years, my advice is to make sure you make your own money so you can leave if you need to. I raised my kids, one is moved out, my daughter had to move back home do to economy. My husband drinks at night, nasty only to me, in front of my daughter, fake nice to everyone else during the day, everyone loves him. I cannot leave, he is the bread winner… if I had my very own income, I’d go. I’m in my 50′s and when he drinks my heart beats like a bunny at night from things he says. I’ve had police here several times… they ask if he has hit me… guess you have to be black n blue and bleeding to prove it.
Guess what I’m saying is, only he can change… if you don’t think he will, it will only get worse…especially if he is NOT nice when he drinks. I could write a book on my behind closed doors insanity.
(USA) Behind closed doors insanity is exactly what I’m going through. I’m 49 and have been married for 15 years. He drinks every night. 4 tall glasses of vodka/ice/water. I cringe every time I hear the ice machine. This is my very first post to any forum on this topic.
Last night was another night of berating me, and this morning he is once again the nicest man. I on the other hand can’t forget what happened the night before. When I asked him this morning if he cannot drink as much tonight, he became outraged and denied everything he said to me last night. He claims that I reinvent conversations. This has been my life for more then 15 years.
I recently retired and now I don’t have the distraction of going to work. But more importantly I’m feeling so trapped and lonely. I’m afraid this will never end. We have had break-ups, gone to counseling and they have not helped at all. He only drinks more.
(USA) My wife drinks a liter of wine a night and has been doing it for years. She has a million excuses why she does it. She has as many (half-hearted) unsuccessful attempts to “cut back”. Leaving her would be complicated and devastating to our kids but I’m beginning to conclude that it is the best option.
(USA) Hi all. My husband drinks and I have separated from him. I wish I had all the answers but I don’t. I only know that I am accountable to God for my actions. I am being healed from all the hurt and trusting God daily for my husbands deliverance.
(USA) My husband sometimes drinks but the bigger issue is he is addicted to pain medication. For the past 10 years he has been going to a pain clinic receiving Oxycontin, Vicodin and Morphine for a bad back. I don’t deny he has pain but he has been becoming more and more dysfunctional as time passes. The past couple of years he keeps going to the ER and Urgent Care getting other medications as well. All the while he is in a well-respected position and attending church.
This past spring my daughter and I tried to convince him to seek treatment 3 different times. He is in denial. Last month he locked himself in our room and stayed drugged up for a week and a half only coming out to eat and use the restroom. His boss put him on notice. That was when my daughter and I gave him a choice: go into treatment or leave. He chose to leave!
I’m now supporting my daughter and myself on my part-time income. I don’t know what to do, stay married, file for a legal separation, wait and see what he does? I’m perplexed. We’ve tried marriage counseling in the past but since the drugs alter his thinking its a waste of time and money.
(UK) A bit like me. My hubby drinks. He has a bad back and is on very strong pain killers. He drinks only 2 bottles –up to 4 pints and hides vodka bottles all over. He will drink the bottle in one go. At least once a week I’ll find a bottle but that’s just what he brings in. And all this at the same time as taking the pain killers.
I have asked him to try to stop. But he doesn’t think he has a problem with it. He cannot go 1 day and can start drinking at 1 p.m. –sometimes before. When he has had a drink he gets very loud. He goes at me and the kids about silly things. Then when I try to say we’ll talk tomorrow as you have been drinking (so we do not make a scene), he gets worried.
I feel it’s coming between us as we don’t do bedtime things as much because he always drinks and then he makes it sound as if it’s me not wanting to. Over the past 7 years he has had different reasons for drinking. First it was after a hard day at work, then stress at work; then he got fired, so it was because of his being bored. Then he started work and it’s stress, and now it’s the pain and stress.
I don’t know what to do. I love him too much to sit and see him get worse and die. I would tell him to go but I know he would use that as a reson to go and drink more. I’m between a rock and a hard place. Sorry to go on a bit, but it’s nice to tell someone. Thanks for taking the time to read.
(USA) I’ve been married 22 years and am only 40 years old. My husband is an alcoholic and does not want to admit to it. His explanation is I’m only out with the guys from work and this is at least a once a week ritual coming home at 2:00 am.. I’m full of worry and hurt that I’ve been putting up with this for so long. Do I love him? Yes. But I’m also killing myself inside wondering what is wrong with me that he can’t come home to his family and spend it where he should be.
I am not a drinker and pray to the Lord, I never will be. My children are now 21 and 19 and have seen the horrors of how their dad acts when he’s drunk. I have so much anger built up and to be quite honest I’m ashamed of myself for letting him treat me like this for so long. He was raised by a single mother, who herself is an alcoholic. She is much worse. She drinks everyday and most of his aunts and uncles are drunks.
I’m so embarrassed to let any of my family know this is happening so I turn to this website to relieve some stress and frustration. It sort of helps that I’m not alone in feeling like this, but sooner or later I will lose my insanity if this keep up…
(USA) I have been married to my husband for about 2 and 1/2 yrs and he gets drunk every night. He goes to bed before 630 pm and here I sit by myself. He starts drinking at 4pm and doesn’t stop until he’s so drunk, he needs to go to bed. Many times he tries to start an argument -I can’t have any kind of conversation with him when he’s drunk.
My evenings are very lonely- I don’t like going out to dinner with him, because he gets so drunk, he starts falling asleep at the dinner table. He is 71 yrs old and says he has been drinking his whole life and isn’t going to stop now. I think about leaving him, but don’t know if I could make it on my own financially. I am newly retired. I don’t know what to do- I can’t stand being around him and sometimes I wish that when he goes to bed, he won’t wake up!
(UK) Does my husband have a problem or do I have a problem with him? When my husband heads to the fridge and grabs a drink that’s it. He can’t stop until they are all gone and will if need be, get in the car and drive and get more if he runs out. He will then fall asleep snoring loudly. This is in the early evening. I will tell him to go to bed and I get shouted at.
He sleep walks, and falls asleep whilst sitting on the toilet… I stay awake as he can sleep walk and try and wee somewhere else that is not the toilet. (we have youngs kids). He doesn’t drink everyday but I know that when he has one he can’t stop until he can drink no more, as can’t hold the can. He is mean and annoying but never hit me.
If we go out for a social meal it’s something I dread as I know he will be the one who gets hammered and louder and louder… talking utter nonsense. I keep telling him to slow down but he can’t. I dread it when he has a drink. It makes me feel low and very upset. When he is sober he is tired. I never feel like I get any attention or help with the family… has he got a problem or do I?
(USA) Jill, From the comment you left I would definitely say your husband has an addiction and may need some help, but I would also say you may need family therapy as well. Also, along with addiction counseling you will learn about addicts and you can maybe understand more what you are dealing with. When you are not an addict it is hard to understand why they can’t just quit doing it because you do not struggle with it.
It sounds as though this is affecting you emotionally and that can turn into anger and resentment, eventually to where you do not want to help him anymore you will just want to get out. You have a problem in the sense that you are married to him so you need to stick by him and support him through this time in his life, but as far as you having a problem with him because of the drinking, I wouldn’t say you do. I think you have an issue of what is right and wrong and you know with what he is doing brings harm to him and your family even if it isnt physical.
If there are young children involved this is damaging them as well, so the sooner you seek help the better. He needs help… you will just need to be his support. Allow God to take the burden from you of emptiness and loneliness as you two work through this. Pray for strength as God helps you endure this addiction and what it may bring with it. I would call a local counseling center and find a # for an addiction couselor or call your church. You will definitely need prayer and God’s guidance. You can’t change him; he has to want to change. All you can do is put one foot forward and set into action what needs to be done. God Bless you! Deuteronomy 31:6
(AUSTRALIA) My wife drinks to excess, not everyday but at least twice a week. She will not stop until absolutely comatosed. If we go out I dread it because she can’t just have a social drink, she has to get bladdered. She has been in hospital on numerous occassions after falling down and someone finding her and calling an ambulance. It has affected the whole family, as my children have found her unconsious when getting back from school. She causes arguments and fights and brings things up that she wouldn’t whilst sober.
It’s a terrible thing to live with a drunk and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I have seen this with a few members of my family over the years and none of them have stopped until they are dead. Drunks are liars and cheats and when in the mood will do anything to get a drink. It’s the same as being a drug addict. If alchohol was introduced now it would be a class A drug. It kills and affects more people than smoking ever will.
(SCOTLAND) I have been married for 15 years and over that time my husband has progressively gotten worse with his drinking, so much so, that I’ve had to lock all the drink in the shed. Unfortunately he got the key this morning and drank a 1/4 bottle of vodka in 2 minutes.
I am now clinically depressed and on medication and find myself crying all the time struggling to cope with the loneliness of an evening when he sleeping of the effects and the empty promises that he will control his drinking. I have slapped and punched him twice now and I’m very disgusted with myself that I allowed my frustration to come out this way.
(US) I see that being lonely is a common factor among all of us, no matter how young or old we are. I feel the same way, night after night of being alone as he is next to me (usually passed out by early evening). I think the lonesomeness is brutal. You love them and want them to want to spend time with you the way you do them and it hurts.
I start to wonder what is wrong with me. I can’t get him to admit anything. Half the time he lies to me about drinking. He will come home late and I know he has been drinking but I cannot accuse him because he will deny it and get mad at me or try to make me feel stupid. I don’t like it that he denies it half the time and the other half “he has it under control.”
(USA) Hello all- My heart goes out to each and every one of you. I myself am the wife of an alcoholic. We have 2 children and have been married almost 8 years. I finally decided to move out to my parents house in hopes that this will wake my husband up! At this very moment I’m sitting next to him. He is sound asleep from drinking too much in the home we’ve shared. I thought I’d check up on him.
He is still choosing his alcohol. I pray and encourage, then I yell and cry. I’ve written letters to him –our whole church has reached out. I don’t know what it’s going to take to gain back the man he was when I married him. His drinking has also left me and my boys very lonely –unsure where he was and when he’d come home. Worried if he can make our rent because of his irresponsible spending. And mostly –the lack of peace in my heart and home led me to move out.
I don’t want this, but if it’s what will wake him up then ill stick it out. If he continues this way –I’ll have to make myself very strong. The vows I took were in sickness and health and I meant them –but if he chooses to stay sick –what more can I do than pray?
When he drinks he is reckless, verbally abusive and truly detestable. I don’t want my boys to grow up seeing their father like that any longer. I didn’t get married to feel like a single mom –even when we loved together I carried all the burden of raising a family and providing –all while trying to keep our foundation on the Lord.
Reading your experiences makes me want to hug you all. Do not loose hope –God can move mountains. Do not grow weary –he can give you rest. I will keep you in my prayers tonight and please do the same for me. Regardless of what the alcoholics in our lives choose –we can make up our minds that we will live an abundant and happy life for our children and for ourselves. Thank you for being so open to sharing your trials –nothing is too difficult with the Lord. God bless!
(USA) We’ve been married 6 years. In the dating stage we had cocktails at dinner, one for me, six for him. I didn’t think much of him stopping the waitress for a refill. If we were out for the day, shopping, lunch, possibly dinner he would want a drink during early lunch, dinner, then again returning home to drink almost a bottle of wine, and possibly go out and get another bottle when that one was finished.
His personality changed, meaning he got sarcastic, and picky with me. I commented on how much he drank. His answer was, I work hard all week and wanted to unwind. During the week days returning home @ three days after driving (his profession) 10hrs a day he also had to unwind with about 1/2 bottle of whatever. I stopped accepting a glass of wine with him at dinner because I knew what was coming next. Cursing, picking an argument. I would go to the bedroom, close the door, and he would come in wanting to continue “so you think”, etc.
Finally going on vacations became a disaster, loud, slurring words, cursing at me. Family refused to return because he was verbally abusive while drinking. That’s my last straw. What am I to do? I’m seriously thinking about other options in this marriage. Talking with him about his drinking goes in one ear and out the other or he gets defensive when subject comes up.
(INDIA) My hubby is an alchohloc from last 12 years regularly. We have two kids. I told him so many times but he can’t quit. He abuses me as well as he hits me. We have lot of clash. What to do please help …
(US) I have been an alcoholic for two years. I am a 25 year old female amd have been with my fiance for three years total. I would get drunk nightly for the two year period and was usually nice, goofy, typical drunk but every now and then I would initiate fights that were blow outs. He does not drink.
We always got over the fights but after a most recent one he gave me the final, final ultimatum. I slept it off and apologized whole heartedly the next morning and have sworn off booze. He said he wanted us to go to therapy to which I also agreed. I am 100% committed to quitting for myself and our relationship. But even though we had a decent day yesterday, today he was totally clammed up, would barely talk or respond to me even though I was my bubbly non drunk self… My feelings were very hurt. We went to bed and he said nothing, we hadn’t talked for up to an hour prior to that… Again, I’m very hurt. He got up and went to the couch.. I followed and laid near him saying I couldn’t sleep either. He eventually got up and went back to bed… I guess he just doesn’t want to be around me.
Well, half an hour later he came storming downstairs and said I’ve ruined three years of his life with drinking and he doesn’t know how to act around me. He said I ruined the relationship, that I’m abusive, psychologically paranoid and “messed up because of childhood trauma” …it just goes on… I told him I’ve put my foot down on drinking, I’m happy to go to therapy but it seems that even though I’ve made the right decisions to change my life and our relationship for the better -I am still being beaten up for the past. I know the past has only ended two days ago but I wish he would be supportive (he says it’s not his job to be supportive because it’s my problem)… I’m ok with him not being supportive. I have a friend that ironically chose to go sober herself on the same day and we’ve been chatting about how our drinking has been a negative issue in our lives and so on…
Bottom line: I have made a stand for myself and us but he still beats me up verbally, curses my drinking issues that I’ve had, and is now saying he doesn’t know if he can get past this… Then he goes to say if he can’t get over it and we split then he has nothing to live for, is going to sell his house because he has so many memories of us, and then says I was the best thing that ever happened to him and have been the only bright spot in his life..
I’m horribly confused, emotionally hurt, and at a loss to understand it all.
Trying to understand the reason that makes him drink will help you understand his problem better. Let’s look at a few of the possible reasons.
Why does he drink? Very often a person might start to drink when he is not able to solve the problems, rather not ready to solve them. At other times it might have been just for fun. Yet sometimes it might have been a habit that he has picked up from his parents. The very fact that he has become a drunkard shows that he has lost his control over his actions. The drunkard has become addicted to alcohol, which is nothing but a disease.
Addicted to alcohol If your husband is addicted to alcohol then he is suffering from a disease as chronic as cancer, which can become fatal at times. Yes, it is a disease, but do not panic. This disease can also be treated just like any another, but not without your help.
Do not cover his drinking habit, as it will contribute to his habit. Instead face the reality and make him realize it too, if he does not honestly do that. Being an enabler you will be indirectly helping him drink.
You might be having a sensitive husband who though realizes his problem, is not able to overcome it. He can overcome it only if he has your support. A wife is the closest companion whose love and patience can do the magic.
Be patient with him. Do not nag, criticize or comment him as this does not help at all. Instead try talking to him when he is not drunk. Remind him of his promises to end drinking just as he sits down to drink. Try to distract him from drinking during his drinking hours.
Remind him that he is actually driving away his family by his drinking habit. Tell him that if he needs them, he should try to leave the drinking habit and not his family.
Convince him to go to a counselor. Tell him that he must do it to regain his own self-esteem. See a psychiatrist if needed, because the doctor knows better.
If you have children, it becomes all the more necessary that your husband should stop drinking. Having a drunkard at home, might adversely affect the psyche of the children. Try and make him understand that he has to do it for his children if he is not willing o do it for himself.
If your efforts and his determination are sincere then he will surely succeed in overcoming his drinking habits. However, the fact that should be kept in mind is that he should never be allowed to touch drinks again or you will have to begin again from where you had started.
I am sure you can bring him back on the right track. Nevertheless, if your husband is not ready to make a move towards ending this habit, it is better to leave him alone and move ahead with your own life.
Pick a location for the conversation that is free of distractions.
Choose a time when neither of you are tired.
Be warm and not confrontational.
Don't lecture.
Stay on topic.
Identify the problem.
Clarify how the problem is impacting your marriage.
Talk about what you want in your relationship, not about what you don't want. Discuss what makes you both happy and fulfilled.
Brainstorm and discuss solutions to the problem. Bring up the possibility of marriage counseling.
Agree to set a time frame to re-evaluate how things are going.
Re-Evaluate
If things are not going well when the two of you are ready to re-evaluate your marriage issues, think about these questions:
Is this a temporary crisis or the end of your marriage?
What is the best thing that could happen if you stay together?
What is the best thing that could happen if you divorce?
What is the worst thing that could happen if you stay together?
What is the worst thing that could happen if you divorce?
Even if you believe your marriage is over, try one more time. Don't leave without telling your spouse you don't think the two of you can save your marriage without professional help.
Try saying: "We disagree; and we disagree a lot. That's why I would like for us to go to marital therapy." or "I love you, I care about us and I need some help in learning how to communicate to you better. I would like to try counseling."
and found out he was lonely and no family love cares (he never told me before our marriage)
Now, he excuses to go out drink and over spent on his buddies with the reason of depression and her crazy or selfish mother who always forced us give moneys and talked bad about us!
She never cares her son feeling and she like to act being smart and success woman in front of some peoples. Everyday drink nobody business and crying.
His son (my hubby) stressed and went out of home!!
I'm sandwich between them. They force me to tolerate with each other. Mother in law said is my responsibility to take care of this family. To do house chores, wash and clean their clothes but still being complaint not meet to maid standard !! I don't know what to do and feel lost !! A shame to tell true story !! I hope i can get
A little SWEET from MUCH Bitter loves
I always giving a chance each other and hope he can change this bad habit before i give up
Conclusion :
Finally is my first step to rescue my marriage before is too late to apologize
To Whom want to like to drink and ask @Gene Ng drink again or pay !!
Please bring him home and don give me trouble
I don want to help u guys cleared all beers debts anymore !!! one year over is enough PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE !!!
Sorry to say
Who asking BEERS / Ciga LOOKS ugly / bad person = likes dog asking foods !!
True !!!
If you guys kind and love him please think of him and save money not spend nonsense ..
Are You - true friend of him ? Or just make use of him or taking advantage SO CALLED vip privilege in xxxxx club ? Please stay away !!! Thank Q so much !!
I took more than a year to write this bravely !! I cant stand you guys anymore !!
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welcome shiryu aka shire blog#you may leave your comments or question, i will check weekly !! If you LOVE my blogs or welcome to link me or subscribe post欢迎光臨shiryu又名shire博客＃可以留下您的意见，我会每周检查，如果你爱我的博客, 欢迎链接我
TOUR CONSULTANT traVEL agent marketing reps dEPART SINGAPORE KUL FIT or GIT SPECIALIZING ASIA GROUND TOUR HOTEL island beach eg. Saigon Angkor Wat Cambodia Vietnam Ho Chi Minh Thailand PHUKET CHINA Hong Kong MACAU Taiwan Singapore Malaysia Bali Batam DAILY DEPARTURE SENTOSA CASINO GENTING arrange TRAVELLERS FOR TOURS AND HOTEL BOOKINGS 6YRS++ you may DIRECT email shirechin@gmail.com for information Suggest to book 3-6months booking advance to AVOID DISAPPOINTED. http://gogoasiavacation.blogspot.com http://shirechinsabahtravelstation.blogspot.com for our recent arranged tour itinerary. Besides, im also Wholesale Distributor reps agent for http://shirechintravelstation.blogspot.com - FASHION BEAUTY COSMETIC skin care PERFUME TOP TO TOE PRODUCTS wedding gown dinner dress 8YRS FREELANCE INSURANCE, PROPERTY, WORK CLOSE WITH advertising OFFICE/SHOPLOT/HOUSE RENTING FASHION TRAVEL FOOD AGENT ONLINE I LOVE TO WORK WITH DIFFERENT KIND OF PEOPLE AND ENVIRONMENT POTENTIAL COMPANY LOVED SHOPPE: http://40going20-auction-paimai.blogspot.com/ / http://40going20.blogspot.com/ http://lalafashionclubhouse.weebly.com http://onlineweddingplan.weebly.com/
♥♥♥For interested parties here (Singapore, Malaysia & Asia) and around the world,I would love to try, honest and talk about your product or host a giveaway for you!♥♥♥I can share with my friends my honest to goodness review of your product and tell them what you have to offer specialty, as well as let them win some samples for themselves so they can try them out and tell their friends around! ♥♥♥If you’re interested in promoting your product or company, or to secure a great spot or advert in my site, please contact me at shirechin@gmail.com. Cheers! ♥♥♥ Client can Testproductsfor free andshare their opinions!
I would love to try, honest and talk about your product or host a giveaway for READERS! If I meet goodies and freebies, I will share!
I can share with my READER friends my honest to goodness review of your product and tell them what you have to offer specialty, as well as let them win some samples for themselves so they can try them out and tell their friends around!
If you’re interested in promoting your product or company, or to secure a great spot or advert in my site, please contact me at shirechin@gmail.com. Cheers!
http://YOUNGPALACEBEAUTY.BLOGSPOT.COM/
is where I blog about my experiences in life. I like to think they interest people enough to have them come back for more. I blog about Beauty, weight loss, health & leisure, food, travel and my life.
Beauty, Lifestyle all in one~ Which covers most of everything.
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welcome shiryu aka shire blog#you may leave your comments or question, i will check weekly !! If you LOVE my blogs or welcome to link me or subscribe post
so
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We have been steadily grown as we’ve helped to foster the relationships between Sellers and Buyers in a venue based on honest negotiations between individuals. And 6years since our launch, our goal has remained the same: to bring real people together to buy and sell , shop and save n earn , redeem, to exchange product ideas and information in an engaging and entertaining manner within a safe and secure environment via forum , email privately, facebook ... many ways..
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THIS WEB - ONE STOP FASHION BEAUTY STORE was created for you to get quality name-brand products at fabulous prices.
We believe in clever budget FASHION Beauty. We want every person who stops by this website to find their way to the Ideal Look without spending more than they should.
I-SHOPPINGCLUB.COM SMART CAMPAIGN is all for smart buying. Why go somewhere else when here you can find more items you want at the fairest price online?
Make the most out of your dollars, welcome to FEB.
This is a professional hair products B2B marketplace, no matter what you want to buy or sell , D'VIAN SALON can suffice your needs.
For almost 30 years,We specialized in field of supplying hair . nail . face . body products and equipment too. Delivery Singapore Malaysia D'vian Salon Team
Hair products
Carrying wide range of hair care and styling products, hair growth ampoules.
BODY PRODUCTS
SLIMMING success creams and ampoules reduce cellulite
FACE PRODUCTS
SKIN CARE RANGE IS responding to the problems of ageing, moisturizing, protection.
EXAMPLE : Bringing in Mario Badescu celebrity skincare to Singapore.
NAILS PRODUCTS
For example : UV lamp,nail dryer,nail drill and so on ,with good quality and pretty competitive price.
Should you have any question,please do not hesitate to contact us. Looking forward to hearing from you soon. Best regards
F a c e . B o d y . M i n d
D'VIAN SALON
on behalf of 40going20.com, lalafashionclubhouse, spreelalaclub , scts group . It was clear that people wanted something different, something that was not frustrating, but easy — even fun!
We have been steadily grown as we’ve helped to foster the relationships between Sellers and Buyers in a venue based on honest negotiations between individuals. And 6years since our launch, our goal has remained the same: to bring real people together to buy and sell , shop and save n earn , redeem, to exchange product ideas and information in an engaging and entertaining manner within a safe and secure environment via forum , email privately, facebook ... many ways..
http://40going20.blogspot.com SCTS GROUP USA EUROPE UK AU 合作伙伴 -港台灣供应商/经销商lalafashionclubhouse -I-SHOPPING.com爱血拼 - 40GOING20 新加坡馬來西亞Auction Paimai Store新加坡馬來西亞拍卖网购平台新马港台日本以及韩国欧美网购商� Beauty Ampoules!! 20X CHEAPER than Beauty Salons at wholesales & Freebies! Hot Sellers !n Taiwan.Singapore.HongKong.Malaysia.China
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About Shiryu
shiryu
TOUR CONSULTANT traVEL agent marketing reps for MALAYSIATRAVELBOOKING.COM EPART SINGAPORE or KUL FIT or GIT SPECIALIZING ASIA GROUND TOUR HOTEL island beach eg. Saigon Angkor Wat Cambodia Vietnam Ho Chi Minh Thailand PHUKET CHINA Hong Kong MACAU Taiwan Singapore Malaysia Bali Batam DAILY DEPARTURE SENTOSA CASINO GENTING arrange TRAVELLERS FOR TOURS AND HOTEL BOOKINGS 6YRS++ you may DIRECT email shirechin@gmail.com for information Suggest to book 3-6months booking advance to AVOID DISAPPOINTED. YOU MAY VISIT http://shirechinsabahtravelstation.blogspot.com for our recent arranged tour itinerary. Besides, im also Wholesale Distributor reps agent for http://shirechintravelstation.blogspot.com - FASHION & BEAUTY COSMETIC skin care PERFUME TOP TO TOE PRODUCTS wedding gown dinner dress 8YRS FREELANCE INSURANCE, PROPERTY, WORK CLOSE WITH advertising OFFICE/SHOPLOT/HOUSE RENTING FASHION TRAVEL FOOD AGENT ONLINE I LOVE TO WORK WITH DIFFERENT KIND OF PEOPLE AND ENVIRONMENT...(POTENTIAL COMPANY LOVED SHOPPE: http://40going20-auction-paimai.blogspot.com/ / http://40going20.blogspot.com/ http://lalafashionclubhouse.weebly.com http://onlineweddingplan.weebly.com/
I'm an E-Shopaholic who's crazy about beauty cosmetic fashion stuffs and is interested to shop and help other shoppers out! My blogwhich other shoppers would be interested in as well!!
Want to be featured? Have enquiries or comments?
*To have your blogshop featured, send me an e-mail with the information below & I'll get back to you. (pls link me first!!) Blog Shop Name: Blog Shop URL: E-mail Address: Blog Shop Specials/Promotions: *Forenquiries or questions, don't hesitate to e-mail me at: shirechin@gmail.com
Self Introduction
Posts
Hi
I’ve been in a relationship for three years now. I’m currently 19 years old. At 16 I fell in love with the most amazing man. In the months before we met I had been experimenting with drugs, ecstasy. I had become highly addicted (a couple pills a day). I needed help. At my rock bottom he saved me. I sobered up. Unfortunately, in the months following I started having extreme panic attacks, which I blame on my previous drug use. Due to this I was hospitalized. I wanted to die. I was put on Prozac for depression. But even through all that he remained my biggest fan. In the year following this things were wonderful. We’d talk for hours. Three months after my 18th birthday and four months after his 21st birthday we were married. We had a small wedding at my parents home. Sadly, one month after getting married the physical abuse started. He pushed me onto the floor then he’d throw things at me it quicky escalated from there. The break down of our relationship blame on the fact that I was working two jobs at the time I was at work an average of 13 hours a day. I was also a full time college student. He worked a hard labor job. We were always tired and never saw each other. At the time we were living at his dads house. Eventually I could not take it anymore. I moved out and we were separated for three months. During our “separation” we saw each other almost everyday. We remained intimate. Eventually we reconciled. We got an apartment together and everything was great. It felt like a fresh start. But before the ink was even dry on the contract I found out through his Facebook that he had been denying to random girls and old girlfriend that he was even married! He even went as far as to tell an ex he loved her and that if she would of still lived in our hometown he would married her instead of me. She in turn told him she didn’t care if he was married and sent naked pictures through email. I feel apart and packed my things. Somehow he convinced me to stay. During our separation I also turned to a guy that I had a past with. We had been friends through out the years and I wanted a man’s point of view on who was right and wrong on certain arguments that my husband and I have had. That’s was all. He developed feelings for me. Out of fear that my husband would think wrong of me I deleted all messages and denied everything. It was the worst decision I ever made. Eventually he found out and to this day he swears I had an affair. I DID NOT. After this our relationship went even further down hill. He started smoking meth. He has had this addiction for about six years. Which I thought was under controlled but obviously not. By this time we had been married ten months. He wasn’t sleeping at all. He became very paraniod and violent with me. One night he had me cornered in our kitchen. He was hitting me on the head. After months of abuse I finally had enough. He was wearing a shirt I had bought him. It was his favorite shirt. I decided I’d cut a hole in it so he could never wear it again. In the process I got a small cut on my hand and his. He slapped me harder then I had ever been hit in the face. Two minutes later the police was there. We both tried to down play each others involvement but it didn’t work. We were both arrested for domestic abuse. After bailing out I wanted to get help for him. We dropped our lives and moved to California with his mom. While we were out their we reconnected. He sobered up. Soon we moved back home. The problems and struggles of daily life got to us once again. We still haven’t been able to rebuilt any trust. At this time we have been married one year five months. The physical abuse is still going on. He is extremely remorseful after he hits me. We no longer sleep in the same bed, we are rarely intimate, we have as little communication as possible and he also refuses to delete naked pictures from his email! I dont know what to do I love this man. I feel that he is depressed. I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I want to help him. I love him with all my heart and i know deep inside he is a great man. I feel that their is love for me as well in him. In my comment I know it seems I am placing all blame on him but I have many faults of my own. I’m not ready to give on my marriage I need advise! I do not have money to get professional help. Any comments welcomed.
Im so confused. After 26 years of marriage I feel Im done! We have been through so much and Im not a saint. But Im tried of carrying all the responsibility and burdens of our life. He is medically disabled and not capable fo doing somethings but he uses it as an excuse to do hardly NOTHING!! I do all cleaning, planning, pay of the bills and making sure everything to done. Not to mention a have a full time job and a wonderful grandbaby! I have come to realize that Im doing anything very well and so frustrated with him and self destruction. His depression is deep partially because of disabilities. I have lost both of my parents because of self destruction. I cant watch another love one lose or take their life. so lost…..
Once you partner stops caring you know things are pretty much over
I feel that my spouse just wants to controll me. I feel he does not hav respect for mx talents and abilities, my aspirations and dreams, my strength and individuality. For that mere fact i feel he does not deserve me. Am realy tired of trying to get his validation.
You should be alarmed if you have been observing these signs from your partner that he or she is ending your relationship. This is an indication that your marriage is already falling apart and you need to do something before its too late. You could seek some help from psychologist so that you can save your marriage.
My ex-husband had a long term affair with a woman from work for several years. He had a baby with another women when we were only married for two years. He never cooked or cleaned until a coworker started cooking lunch for me, after 20 years of marriage, no matter how often I asked him. Then he accused me of having an affair with the coworker who prepared lunch for me and told all of our friends that I was having an affair. He put antifreeze in the water bottle I keep in the refrigerator to drink after my walk. When I confronted him he grabbed the water bottle out of my hand and the antifreeze and left the house. When he came back he did not have my water bottle or the antifreeze and told me no one would ever believe me. Many times I received calls from work or from his sister wondering where he was and lecturing me on how he was being irresponsible by consistently being absent when he was supposed to be there. He never gave me or the kids a gift for Christmas or our birthdays and charged lingerie from Victoria Secrets to our joint account. He also took all the money saved from our 20 year marriage and put in a his own personal account. He took the money from our brokerage account as well and I was unable to find it. He took all the money from our kids college funds and spent it. I would say these were pretty good signs that the marriage was over before it even started. It was a shame it took me 20 years to wise up.
Sheryl I can feel it deep in me, you sounded like my autobiography and you have given me moral support without knowing it. Thanks.
What about a spouse that leaves their partner financially destitute?
Abandoning the couples finances, refusing to share responsibility in the relationship, and pursuing single person lifestyle is a red flag to me. Could someone really be so aloof (outside of mental illness), to think these actions will be accepted in a marriage?
I don’t think so, and I chance to say it’s a warning sign that the person’s selfish actions reveal a desire to be single again. Lying and hiding these actions may show shame, and desire to repair, but it can also illuminate the partner’s unwillingness to change, stop, or be responsible any longer. A desire for the other spouse to find out about the actions, and leave them first in a bid to avoid responsibility. It may seem rare or covert, but I know so many couples who have experienced this! The selfish partner appears sorry, but then once ordered to pay child support or repay absconded money,
they simply leave town and jobs to avoid garnished wages. The immature “moocher” then whines how awful the marriage was to family, friends, and new love interests. Sound familiar?
How do counselors view this category of spouses? What can be done to avoid it? Once the warning signs are present is it too late?
Sheryl,
Thanks for sharing about your marriage here – it sounds like your marriage is over in one way, but not in another! I agree that we teach our spouses how to treat us. And, it really is a slippery slope.
Checking out emotionally is one way you know that your spouse is ending the relationship. Your marriage is over when you’re not emotionally invested.
Just adding my 2cents… My 19yr old marriage has had a fork in it for quite some time. I’d gotten to a point of marital ambivalence and realized I was never going to love him and I’d never have the relationship I wanted with him. I was young and insecure when I dove into an extremly verbally and emotionally abusive marriage. I spent over 10yrs meeting his needs and doing what I was told. (take my boots off, get me another plate of food, why can’t you keep this house clean you skanky B…, Your wortless piece of sh**) It was pretty bad for me and the kids. But I believe a person can change if they want to bad enough. And I believe he’s in the process of real and permanent change but I could care less. I checked out emotionally a very long time ago with no desire to check back in. The bullet has left the gun but my finger is still on the trigger.
Here’s my personal signs my marriage is over:
I don’t have any desire to respond to his caring attempts
I begun sleeping in the guest room because I didn’t want to be in the same bed with him anymore.
I discourage him from going places with me (shopping etc).
I have fun and enjoy time with my son but as soon as my husband gets involve I leave the situation
I stopped telling him details or sharing stories with him
His attempts to do things for me such as help with housework have absolutely no affect on me.
I’ve forgiven him. I brought dysfunction in to this marriage also (codependency). I spent over 13years trying to change him (there’s the codep. in me lol) He’s a product of his childhood as am I. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less and doesn’t mean we have to stay in the marriage. I’m no longer angry or hurt. Nor do I feel shame or guilt for how I feel towards him now. Mentally I’ve made peace with what’s happened. I taught him how to treat me and I enabled him. But there’s simply been too much damage. I have no desire to even think about liking him. I’m investing all my energy on my recovery and attempting to help my 12yr old son learn healthy ways to deal with his negative emotions. I’ve got a long way to go. I continue to tell myself “progress not perfection”
Also – a husband recently commented that he had an affair, and he still loves the other woman. He wants to rebuild his marriage, but is having trouble detaching from his bed buddy. Here’s the article I wrote for him:
How to Revive a Stale Marriage – 4 Tips for Love Gone Cold
It’s for men who can’t let go of their affairs.